Shock & Awe

A few days ago, I sat waiting once again for one of my children to undergo another surgery that was a direct result of injuries sustained in the bus crash that often feels like the albatross around my neck.  We have been doctoring for four of those years while she has dealt with debilitating migraines, out of control sinus issues, and difficulty breathing during sports.  Knowing she has allergies, we sincerely thought allergies and asthma were the cause of all of this.  Our allergist thought differently, and started doing some pretty extensive detective work.  Searching through her past medical records and knowing that no allergen treatment had been effective, he ordered more scans and sent us to an ENT.  I never once suspected what we were told the day we met with him.

Looking at this old CT scan, I don’t see anything amiss. 

The radiologist report says the most recent one is good too, but three days after it was taken she had a major sinus infection.

Well, I don’t know that I agree with that report.  See this . . . she has a deviated septum and these turbinates are completely engulfed in swollen tissues.  It is no wonder you cannot breathe out of your nose! Did some sort of trauma happen to you when you were younger?

It was at that precise moment when I felt as if someone punched me in the gut. Shock!

Trauma

Disappointment

Dismay

As the room was swirling with sinking thoughts, I tried to hold it together to hear the doctor’s suggestions and plans.

How could we have not known that she couldn’t breathe? Shock!

How did we not know that she was injured there too? Shock!

When is this ever going to end? Shock!

The prayers began. 

Ultimately, the decision was hers to make.  The doctors believed having the surgery would increase her chances of chasing her dream – to play college basketball.  Her only stipulation was the surgery could not interfere with this year’s basketball season!  She was exhausted with living this way.

Bracing ourselves for another post-surgical patient in our home, we cleared our calendars, finished up projects, and generally tied up loose ends.  In a household as busy as ours, preparations, lots of them, must be made when you need a parent at home at all times for seven days of recuperation.

As S-day approached, slowly, like a leaking pipe, fear began to ooze from my thoughts.  There are very few friends with whom I choose to share this vulnerability.  Despite my recent costume attire, I do not, even for one second, believe that I am Wonder Woman, impervious to fear and doubt.  Being afraid for my children is a pastime that I would love to retire.  Fear started to creep in, choking me, and I reached out looking for a lifeline.

God answered my prayers by calming my fears, and throughout the day, his reminders just kept billowing in.

Early in the morning:

Text from me:

Fear is consuming me.  I just wish you lived closer.

Text from my friend:

What time is surgery? We’ve been praying.

10:00 AM

I will be there.

What? This cannot be! I wish I could put into words the gift that my friend gave.  Let’s just say, her willingness to come from miles away, leave her children at home, and spend a day worried about me, more than my girl, was a priceless treasure. Awe!

Lunch at school:

Out of the blue, a fellow teacher and wonderful Christian woman shared a story with me about how God holds those who are in the darkest moments tightly to him.  Tears streamed down my face in the cafeteria as I heard words, literally breathed from God.  Awe!

Early afternoon:

An e-mail from the church secretary (and dear friend) alerted me that our pastor (and also dear friend) needed the time of the surgery.  He, too, would be coming to spend the time (which ended up being a day) with us at the surgical center. His steadfast friendship since the day of the bus crash has amazed us.  Awe!

Later in the evening:

After I shared on Facebook my prayer request for the surgery, e-mails, messages, and posts came pouring in.  These were not your average messages either.  They were heartfelt promises of prayer, practical suggestions from those who had also similar procedures done, and offers to help in any way we needed it.  Humbly awed!

Overnight:

Clothed in those prayers, I slept peacefully – which I don’t normally do. Awe!

Walking into the surgical center:

In a way only God could orchestrate, he placed two mommas (along with my pastor and friend) at the same surgical center, the same day, with the same doctor.  A little girl who my big girl mentors was having surgery immediately before her. Honestly, what are the odds?  During her dark moments of waiting, she buoyed me by giving me the biggest hug of encouragement. Just another reminder my teacher friend was right!

God does hold tightly those he loves – especially when they need it the most.

Like a small child on Christmas morning, I will never lose a sense of wonder of how he provides everything that I need, even when my light is dimmed by fear, doubt and worry.

So thankful that my God is bigger than all of life’s shocks and fills my soul with awe!

Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. Psalm 40:5 (NIV)

Post-surgery:  Okay,  so this is not my actual child.  She was pretty miserable so I would not take that picture - EVER!

Post-surgery: Okay, so this is not my actual child. But this bear, her parting gift, gives you a good idea of what she looked like.  They had matching gauze guards and Band-Aids.  I will admit, biasedly, that my daughter is much cuter!

Thank you, Eunice Shriver

Over the weekend, my entire family had the honor to serve together at the Fall Games for the Unified Flag Football for Minnesota Special Olympics.  Sadly, I had never experienced any Special Olympics events other than attending fundraisers.  Boy – have I been missing out!

If you don’t know anything about Special Olympics, I really encourage you to visit www.specialolympics.org to learn more.  For the speedy answers, the games are designed to encourage inclusion of athletes who have intellectual disabilities in the world of sports.  These amazing kids and adults, in my opinion, have other-abilities.  Those abilities include loving like no one else, brightening a room, reminding us relationships are more important than material things, and the ability to be comfortable in our own skin. There is nothing “dis” about them or their influence in this world. As a teacher, I have seen individuals soar in the classroom, but this weekend I was able to see them excel in the athletic world.

Faith – family – football

That is our family motto which aptly describes the order of our family’s priorities.  It is the third one that landed us in West St. Paul, Minnesota over the weekend to cheer on two great flag football teams. Last year, a beloved “uncle and aunt” heard that the flag football program was expanding and was in need of an extra coach.  Uncle Sheldon recommended our boy wonder, and from the first practice, he was hooked.

We weren’t able to attend last year due to exhaustion because the games were hosted the day following the final Reed’s Run.  I remember the pride in my son’s face when he returned late that evening telling us of how they pulled together and earned second place.  That sense of accomplishment and joy carried over into an essay he wrote detailing an example of leadership of which he was most proud.  A lump caught in my throat reading his descriptive words.

As time will do, it marched on. With a blink of an eye, it was time again for the flag football practices to begin.  Vaguely in the recesses of my memory, I recalled a message from our regional director that it would be great if we had cheerleaders this year.

Adding a new spring in my step, I helped organize our cheer team whose ages ranged from three to eight.  We learned cheers and routines, and decided that no matter what the end product looked like, we would have fun. Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader!  My rah-rah! spirit came back to the surface as I sewed glitter tutus, ordered t-shirts, sewed/constructed a banner for the team to run through, found a mascot costume and ordered pompoms.  With those adorable cuties to cheer them on,  any team would be successful!

A few members of the Puma Cheer Team!

A few members of the Puma Cheer Team!

From the moment we arrived until the final awards ceremony, I was awed by the spirit of these games. Our entourage of athletes, unified partners, coaches, tiny cheerleaders and family members was a merry band of sportsmanship and friendship.  I can only imagine this was exactly what Eunice Shriver envisioned when she helped to create the Special Olympics.

From touchdown runs and “flag tackles” by childhood friends to amazing interceptions by new ones, the Pumas did our community proud.  To hear adults tell my son that he was one of the classiest coaches in this league brought tears to my eyes.  (The unsolicited comment was given because he refused to run up the score on a team they competed against.)

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It was a spirit of camaraderie and revelry as the Pumas marched the “lane of champions” to receive their gold medals.  They were humble and even had to be coaxed to give a “Number 1” signal for pictures.

so1

Our family left the games with huge smiles on our faces and hearts filled with an awe of all we had witnessed. Special Olympics is the best of the best of athletic events.  P-E-R-I-O-D! Everyone is encouraged and supported, and more importantly, around each corner was a potential new friend. We were honored to share in this year’s games.  As we drove home, talk centered upon we could do next year.

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It was at that moment I remembered something Reed had said the morning after playing in the 7th/8th grade Super Bowl game, the last football game of his life.

“Only 364 more days until I get to do that again!”

We couldn’t have said it any better!

The Two Grandmas

qwirkleFor a few days in August, we had something akin to a miracle occur right at my dinner table.  Most people would think that I am waxing poetically, but for me, it is a moment that I will treasure forever.  While I was on my train trip with Mr. Jimmy, my parents arrived for a visit with my family.  A few days after my return, we were also expecting the annual Grandma & Auntie Vacation visit from my other mom (Daniel’s mom) and sister.

We live in a humble-sized house, but like my husband’s ancestors, there is always room for one more in a bed, one more plate at the table, and one more chair for visiting at our home.  The problem with this scenario, due to the craziness of travelling and raising a busy family, was we neglected to tell either mom they would be here at the same time.  That task fell to my husband as I was soaking up every bit of wonder in a great place called Kentucky.

To most people, this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but I will be honest, our moms would have never met had their children not fallen in love. By never, I mean like that scene in Mall Cop where Paul Blart says at the intersection of “Ne and ver”.  That kind of never, as opposed to the never Hollywood uses when it tells us there is never going to be another sequel to a million dollar movie franchise. Yeah, right! (more on this thought on a later post)

It isn’t that our moms dislike each other; it simply is that they come from vastly different backgrounds and lifestyles.  Each one has her own “thang”, and no one should apologize for being herself.

They have been at some events together (our wedding, one baby shower, Reed’s services, and the laying of his headstone). Other than when Reed died and one time during a Reed’s Run, our two moms have never stayed in the same house together.  It just never happens. Even though they don’t normally hang out (which is geographically impossible with one being a native Floridian and the other being a North Dakotan), they do share one colossal common interest.  Both adore their grandchildren.

During one of the days of the “Grandma Invasion”, our littlest one says, “Hey Grandmas! Let’s play a game!”  Since the old standby preschool game, Ice Cream, a favorite of Grandma L, is soon to be outgrown by Cloie, we settled on a favorite of the big kids in our house.   Although neither had ever heard of the game, both grandmas were willing, if may be a little reluctant, participants.  There we were, seated around the table, two grandmas (well technically three grandmas as sister Rita had recently become one herself), one mom, and one spunky, little, eight-year-old girl.

It took a while to recall the directions for the game, but once we did, we settled into a routine of fun competition with a whole bunch of cooperation as we cheered each other on.  At one point, I distinctly remember wanting to scoop up my little Clo, holding her freckled cheeks in hands to breathe these words into her soul.

“You are the luckiest little girl in the world!  This moment – right here, right now – is one so many little girls never experience.  You are blessed to have both of your grandmas play a game with you.  Capture this moment! Cherish it forever because this will be one of the best days of your life!”

I am certain my far-away, captured-in-my-thoughts-look was not noticed by anyone present, but in my bottle of memories it will always be stored in the library of my heart.  I have a few of those moments with my own grandmothers, and every once in a while, I dust off its jacket and pull it out to revisit.  Every time I do, it is precious time well spent.

Someday, when Clo wants to revisit the amazing time she shared with Grandmas L and S, my heart library will always be open, and she is welcome to check this treasure out as many times as heart desires!

For this, I am so thankful!

Being still

Photo courtesy of Lil' Sprout Memories

Photo courtesy of Lil’ Sprout Memories

A while back, I posted a blog http://kandynolesstevens.com/2013/09/09/i-cry/.  The blog wasn’t difficult to write, but it was agonizingly hard to post.  The shed tears were real.  More salinated drops fell for some points, especially the ones for my children, than others.  In the end, it was cathartic to write, because in doing so, the “monsters” don’t seem so threatening anymore.  It is as if with each keystroke God allowed me to replace my sadness.  Well, actually it isn’t replacement so much as relinquishment to the foot of his throne.

Why is the writing of such posts a beautiful process while the sharing of them such a challenge?  At times, I feel like a modern-day Jacob wrestling with God.  There are plenty of things that I write that are not published, but this time I had an overwhelming sense God wanted me to share my tears publicly.

I know I cannot circumvent the reality that losing a child is horrifyingly painful.  Add to that raising injured and grieving children, and my pain at times feels like pulling back layers of an onion.  Every time, I shed one layer, there is just another eye-stinging layer below.  I get tired of removing layers. So much so the sharing of them with others becomes less and less interesting to me.   I just don’t feel that broadcasting my pain is valuable other than to show my pain and weakness, not mention my doubts and failures.  What good comes from that?  Where is my purpose?  Is this really God’s plan?

It is a good thing my ways are most definitely NOT God’s ways, because He continues to remind me I couldn’t be more wrong.  As I was writing, “I Cry” I received a call from my sweet friends down in Kentucky.  They went out to dinner and felt something was missing in the gathering.  That something was their “Angel Girl” whom God brought into their lives this summer.  I could “join” them as they passed the phone around the table.  When the phone made it to Miss E, she shared that she didn’t understand why but felt that God wanted me to know that He would be replacing my clothes of despair with a garment of praise.  She had no idea what I was writing at the exact moment my phone rang.  I could barely choke out an audible syllable as her words bathed my soul in God’s love. She (through God’s prompting) gave me the exact words to share in my post.  A message of hope, when in truth, I needed a good reminder.

And if I needed more proof, which I didn’t, God provided it.  Within ten minutes of the blog posting, I received three messages (e-mail, text, and phone call) from dear, dear friends who said through their tears how thankful they were for someone to put into writing what their hearts were holding back.  In only God’s intervention, my words became an anthem for others to be rocked gently by the continued message of hope.  My heart’s desire is to honor God with everything I do.  Slowly He is teaching me that the road to achieving that goal may be filled with bumps and bruises AND the sharing of them with others.

I don’t have to be the poster child for grief.  Yet,  in my most vulnerable moments, He has used my writing to reach out to the souls of others; thereby reclaiming my mess and making it a message.  I never intended for my faith to be on display during our darkest moments, but that very faith that has sustained us.  A life blood filtering from the one who shed his blood.

There has been a long lull between posts.  The silence was not wasted.  In the quiet time since my last post, I have used this time to literally be still, finding peace and rest in the arms of my Savior knowing that He does have a plan for all of this. I pray each and every day that He helps me to see it.

As I have shared in many previous posts, sometimes that message of love and hope for my life comes to me in a song.  This time it came in the melodies of one of my favorite groups:  Sidewalk Prophets.  Their lyrics, like the words from my long-distance friends, touch me like God himself had them written just for me. Awed and humbled, I know if God can use the darkest moment of my life,  He can for you too.  Simply trust – He already has a plan in place.

I cry

In the past few weeks, I have been revisiting the sad place.  It is the place that I can only journey alone, in the earthly sense.  I never really travel alone. There is always a heavenly presence.  I don’t understand it, but often in the silent places of deep in the valley of the shadow, I feel closest to God.  In the sad place, I find that I can be totally honest with myself about how I am feeling.  No mask.  No filter.  Raw, but honest.

My littlest one asked the other day, “Momma, why are you crying so much.”  I had to explain that I had to go to a sad place.  She is eight; so, I likened the place to the “Slump” in Dr. Seuss’ “Oh the Places You Will Go”.  She gets that because in her world she doesn’t want a sad mommy.  But sometimes, you will come to a slump.  That she understands.

These were the words swirling in my most raw moments when I soaked my pillow with my tears.

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I cry . . .

in a single moment all was changed. Now all we have is memories and old photographs.

I cry . . .

silently not wanting  to share my pain in front of my children, for fear of scaring them. Their pillar of strength is really human, after all.  Secretly I know they know this, but I will give my dying breath to protect them.

I cry . . .

The hole in my heart leaves such a scar in my existence.  Its caverns echo the beat of the sad song when the wind blows out of the valley.

I cry . . .

a melody reminds me of happier days when we sang and danced and laughed about our singing and dancing.

I cry . . .

Feeling that I have let my children down because there are days when I feel hopeless is winning.

I cry . . .

Jumping at the ringing of the phone, desperately wanting the answers I want to hear.

I cry . . . tragedy brings chaos.  I detest swimming in chaos. No matter which way I paddle my strokes chaos’ rip current threatens to pull me under.

I cry . . .

My scars are invisible, but theirs are real.  Pain is a daily visitor, and yet they hold their heads high.

I cry . . . perseverance might be one lesson while waiting.  Wondering how long that lesson must take and why did we have to earn advanced degrees.  For once in our lives, couldn’t we just be average?

I cry . . .

because everything he loved was taken away, and yet there are still people who say ridiculously stupid things.

I cry . . . wishing sometimes I was the kind of person who smacked people who say stupid things.

I cry . . . choking down the lump in my throat because platitudes and trite sayings, do not help.  I want to scream, “Do you not see the hole?” But we’ll take your word scars, your thoughtless actions, AND we will continue turning our cheeks, knowing very few could walk in our shoes.

I cry . . . understanding the tortuous relationship with genetics. When your children hurt, a part of you is woven into them.  Like tiny saucers sending a message to the mother ship, every fiber of my being is writhing in pain for them.

I cry . . . sadness has creeping tentacles grasping for all of my family.  Mustering the strength to become a warrior to fight back its choking appendages, some days takes all my energy.

I cry . . . bearing burdens is grueling, heart-breaking work.

I cry . . . fervently hoping that my visit to the pit of sadness won’t be long enough for my card to be punched.

I cry . . . eternity seems so far away.  Wanting to hear your giggle and wondering how you will look without glasses. My ears longing to hear,  “Hey Mom.  This is Jesus.  You are going to love Him!” followed by one of those sneaky behind the back hugs.

I cry . . . knowing that in the light of eternity all of this seems small.

I cry . . . remembering that He is collecting every tear in his bottle.

I weep . . . embracing the promise that He will replace my cloak of despair with a garment of praise.

I sob . . . knowing His grace is sweet, yet powerful enough to cover it all.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.  ~John Vance Cheney

Everyone needs a corner station

Today marks the end of an era in my neighborhood, and I am not happy about it.  We have lived in this town for a little under seventeen years, and this has been my gas station all through that time.  Len’s Southside has been the place where I began to go out of necessity.  Who wants to pump gas in the middle of one of the worst winters on record with a precocious toddler on her hip while being 8 months pregnant?  I know of no woman who would say yes to that scenario.

Convenience. I admit it.  My “relationship” with the father and son dynamic duo began as a mutually beneficial one.  I needed gas, and they needed customers.  Over the years however that relationship changed.  It really had very little to do on my part (or the other beloved customers’ parts either).  It was the way these gentle men put service into service station.

When you came to the corner of Greeley and West College Drive, you came home.  Everyone was treated that way.  The last full service station in our town was the place to come to fill more than just your tank. Over the years, we have swapped fishing and hunting tales.  It is Minnesota after all; so, of course, we talked about the weather.  We have chatted about school, sports, and pigeons.  The elder was so excited to learn that we raise them; because back in the day, he did too.

On more than one occasion, my husband has accused me of frequenting the station because I like to “flirt” with older men.   But as he watched our “relationship” evolve, he began to refer to Len and Jeff as my dad and brother.  No one chuckled more than my sweetie when I came home after buying a scooter and told of how my “family” at the station had chided me at least seven times “to just be careful on that thing”.

Of course, the brotherly and fatherly “interference” didn’t stop there because I do have a tendency to push ‘er to the limit on remembering to fill up.  More than once I coasted in on fumes, guided along by angels’ wings and several prayers – mine.  Len would always just smile the knowing smile, and Jeff would slip in a “Well you sure went a little far this time”.

When tragedy struck both families in different ways, our bond was forever solidified.  We prayed for each other through the loss of a son and mother battling (and winning) with cancer.  Hearing updates on her progress often brought me to tears, as I can only imagine watching my heart break did to theirs.

Gardening was another love we shared.  When “Mom” wasn’t able to tend a garden during treatments, I would send my kiddos on a cycling mission to pedal the bounty from our garden down to the station.  Today the last day of the shop being open, I couldn’t help myself;  I just had to bring them a basket of love.

Two of the finest gentlemen you will ever meet!

Two of the finest gentlemen you will ever meet!

I filled up my old van yesterday because, honestly, I am not the only one who will miss them, and I was afraid that they might run out of gas before today.  There was a beautiful sign up in front thanking the family for 44 years of service.  My littlest and I enjoyed cookies and lemonade on a sweltering day.  She enjoyed the treats, while I reminisced about all the memories we have shared.

When they showed me the proclamation, from the mayor, which was ceremoniously bestowed  earlier that morning, I started to cry.  Tears of sadness – for the loss of tradition of serving others that truly made a mom and pop gas station a place of refuge.  Tears of joy – for living in a town that took the time to recognize two of the sweetest men you could ever meet.  Tears of pride – for two men who just feel like family, knowing in my heart that gentlemen like that are treasures indeed!

Good luck on your next adventure! You will be missed!

By any other name

I almost choked on my sweet tea the other day when I saw an email in my inbox.  In the message were the instructions on how to be hip and cool with my crocheting.  Didn’t I want to be hip and cool?  Of course!  I couldn’t keep my eyeballs from looking into this!  I discovered all the cool kids were making chevron afghans.  (Yes, the chevron – the current fave in geometric design.)  When I looked at the attached picture, it showed a plain old ripple afghan like my grandmothers have made for years.  Apparently, I didn’t know my grannies were pioneers of hip fashion long before their time.  When I showed the e-mail l to my sweetie, completely nonplussed he announced, “That looks like Nanny’s afghan to me.”  My thoughts exactly!

Ripple or chevron?  I guess it's all in how you look at it.

Ripple or chevron? I guess it’s all in how you look at it.

The more I thought about it, the more bothered I became by that email.  How many times does that type of marketing work?  More often than I would like to admit I am guessing.

My thoughts wondered back to teaching junior high science.  Each year at some point, I welcomed my students to the world of adulthood by letting them know a little secret: advertising is not for educated!  I would share with them that sometimes even brand names were meant to evoke a certain image: Downy and Nike were two that always came to mind.  I told them that they were too smart to be duped by ads.  Always one for the flair of the dramatic, I would quietly tip-toe around the room acting as if other grown-ups would pull out pitchforks and burning stakes if they knew I was letting children in on this little secret.  Then I would share about the moment that I caught on to the truth.  It was “The Great Cholesterol Scare of ‘85”.  I didn’t have a sage guide.  I was on my own perusing the snacks at Food World in high school. I needed to pick up peanut butter. But which one to choose? Why not the one with large label – emblazoned with NO CHOLESTEROL.  Suddenly angels appeared in Aisle 6 with rays of heavenly light shining forth.  This moment was somewhat akin to the beauty school drop-out scene in Grease. At this point in my story, most of my 7th graders were hanging on to every word.  Gently, because this was new knowledge in the information age, I explained my epiphany.  The uneducated consumer would think that this singular brand among all others on the shelf was there to protect my health, my arteries, (and not mention Truth, Justice, and the American Way).  I should buy THIS peanut butter because they cared enough to remove the horrible, evil, bad-guy Cholesterol from its product.  The reality: there was never any cholesterol in it.  Advertising is not for the educated.

Anyone who has been a teacher for more than twelve years knows that in the education world there are fads -lots of them.  I remember a former administrator was practically giddy with excitement at the speaker we were going to for a back-to-school workshop. His words were, “This is going to revolutionize what we do here”.  Because I believe that there are many ways to reach a child, I sincerely doubted this revolution was going to last long.  Once there, I knew for a fact that my hunch was right.  This workshop was twenty years ago, and the buzz-word for teaching was “cooperative grouping”.  The idea being that if we did everything in the classroom in groups, children would succeed, our lessons would reach every child, and everyone would learn at equal gains and paces.  That isn’t exactly what happened.  It is a great tool, but no one can build a house with just a hammer.  Why would we think that just one method would build a child?

So what do ripple afghans, peanut butter, and cooperative grouping have to do with anything?  Together, not much, unless you are lucky enough to teach in classroom that allows naps and snacks while simultaneously having your students arranged in groups!  (Some days, that would be my dream classroom!)

In all honesty, this concept of being easily fooled is one of the things that strikes fear in my heart.  How many messages do our kids receive in a day?   I want to raise kiddos who love God and who are great thinkers with big hearts.  That’s a tall order!  Are we (meaning: parents, schools,  communities) giving our children as much of an opportunity to learn and to think as we are preparing them for standardized tests?   Have we been hindered by the vast availability of knowledge at our fingertips without pushing our brains to go as far as they can?  Have we settled for the quick fix rather than creatively engineering the box (not just thinking outside of one)?  Have we equipped them with the tools to see through the garbage to get to what message is really being sent to them?  Is there an app for that?

Whenever I ruminate too long on this subject, I think about all the ways I have possibly failed as a mom and trust me, the list is LONG.  Then God gives me a glimpse that perhaps we haven’t done such a bad job after all.  I had an opportunity to watch my children testing a product for a company years ago.  I could see what they were doing while simultaneously having access to the questions they were being asked.  I watched as one of my sons was asked to describe how the product looked.  Every other child in the room looked at the product and wrote down their description.  Then I saw movement unlike the others over by my boy’s spot.  Behold!  He picked up the item and inspected the underside.

That was PROUD moment for this momma!  All those things I worried about maybe were for naught because not only did he think outside of the box – he reinvented it.   If I wouldn’t have looked like a nut, I wanted to jump up and down, cheering him on!

All over the country today many are sending their kids back to school.  In a really grown-up, fast-paced world, there are a lot of distractions.  Some are good, but plenty have no reason other than to dupe our kids. With a lot of prayer and nurturing, hopefully,  all kids will learn to think on their own two feet and not be fooled by the flash and dazzle (like the chevron afghans) of the world.  Because the way I see it, a horse by any other name is a . . . well, you know what I mean.

Invasion of the Gnomes

Since my Nanny’s passing, my mom and dad have spent much of the last several months working on sorting through the items she left behind.  It has been a grueling task, physically and emotionally.  As they were going through volumes of items, they decided to ask the grandchildren if there were things that we or our children would like to have.  Eventually one of the things making the round of the “Does Anybody Want These?” lists was garden tchotchkes.

My parents who are actually quite adept at technology and decorating sent us a picture with my dad’s legs standing among the items available balancing a yardstick to give perspective.  I immediately requested the tall gnome with the measuring stick even though I couldn’t see anything more than his bottom half.  I figured he might come in handy around here. My mother replied he was already taken. Since my first request was unavailable, I took a closer look at what new treasures lay waiting. I love a good garden gnome; so, I speedily replied as to which couple I would love to see in my garden.  My brother chimed in on a few he would like.  My sister’s response was a flat out, “NO THANKS!”

My first exposure to gnomes was when my family made a cross-country move to North Dakota.  I remember being smitten with them, because my brother and I were huge Smurfs fans.   Years later, I created tiny fantasy gardens with itsy-bitsy gnomes.  My children grew up watching very carefully, because sometimes it would seem the gnomes had moved or new items appeared with them.  We still talk about the bowling ball and pins that appeared one morning in one of those gardens. Such is the whimsy of my backyard!

Almost a month after the text messages, my parents arrived with a U-Haul full of treasures from my Nanny’s house.  Among them was our new garden kitsch.  At first, we placed them on our deck carefully, cautioning the kids that we would think about exactly the right place for them later.

Since they were my grandmother’s, I wanted to preserve them, put them on a shelf, and make sure they lasted forever.  I didn’t want anyone or thing to touch them.  Then one night, I got a nudge deep in my heart. I knew Nanny would ask, “What in heaven’s name are you thinking?”.  She would never want me to box them up for display only, much like many of us do with our best china.  They are meant to be in the garden bringing smiles and maybe just a touch of mischief to anyone lucky enough to spot one.

My nerves steeled. I resolved to place them in Reed’s garden, by asking my little girl to have the honors.  I think both Reed and Nanny would have been proud of that choice. A job of this importance required a child-like heart, not a heart, like mine, too timid to even use them.  I told her there was only one rule.  That rule: Mom can’t change where you put them.  Imagine the gift she received that day!

gnomes

That night in bed, I realized that I do that a lot.  I receive blessings from God, but I am, on occasion, too timid to use them.  I want to put them on the shelf and look at them.  I want to be reminded that, indeed, God has blessed me.  Sometimes, I don’t want to share them in fear that the blessings will tarnish or diminish in beauty. But much like my Nanny’s garden decorations, I am beginning to realize that perhaps the reason for the blessings is for us to pour them out to others.  Memories of the times that God was so good to us! Perhaps that was God’s plan all along for our new little buddies waving from the greenery in the back of the lot.

So today I choose to not hold on too tightly to my blessings, counting them one by one, but instead allowing God to use them through me.

Dear Yale University

Dear Yale University

I was daydreaming about your prestigious school last night at dinner.  Had I answered a question with better timing, my mental absence otherwise would have been barely perceptible.  I was thinking about what it had been like dropping off my son to become a future Eli and Bulldog fan.  In the middle of supper, my thoughts drifted to thinking wouldn’t be great if we could all call him and say, “We made it home from New Haven.  We’re here, and it isn’t the same without you.”

That last part is actually true.  His absence from your campus, however, isn’t because he was denied admission.  The stark reality is much more cruel as Reed died five and half years ago.  My daydreaming was fantastical grief thinking.  Wishing that the school my sweet boy announced on a family trip in 6th grade was actually where he was, rather than the bitter reality.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  All those years ago, we didn’t know that a sweet red-headed boy from the Minnesota prairie even knew what Yale University was.  But he did!  On a snowy winter drive home from the place where he is now buried, he proclaimed he would be attending Yale, as if it was a menu option he was choosing.  When questioned, he knew all about it, even going so far as saying he would much rather attend Yale than Harvard.  His dad and I simply shrugged, but secretly I know we both smiled in our hearts the rest of the drive.

That year for Valentine’s Day, we gave him a YALE hooded sweatshirt.  Most of his clothes have been made into teddy bears or quilts, but none of us can seem to alter that sweatshirt in any way.  So it sits reverently in a drawer waiting to be worn by a boy who isn’t coming home.

yale

The truth is admission for him would not have been hard.  He was that kid! Intelligent, precocious, and a big time dreamer!  He might have lacked organizational skills for material things, but his thoughts were always well beyond his years.

As your new freshmen class arrives on campus, we are excited for the possibilities the future holds for them.  So too are we happy for all of Reed’s classmates and friends as we see all sorts of pictures from moving day from them and their parents. Truly, we are excited and happy for them!  We are just sad for us.  A heart divided really struggles.

Even though, I really wanted to purchase  “Yale Mom” fan gear. (Who wouldn’t want to?)  I won’t be doing that in the coming days or weeks.  Just know one mom really wishes she could.

Thank you for being the place where future dreams are made and for being the place that my boy dreamed would be his school!  May God bless all your new students abundantly!

Go Bulldogs!

Sincerely,

A “Yale Mom” in my heart forever