{"id":1089,"date":"2013-09-09T13:11:03","date_gmt":"2013-09-09T13:11:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kandynolesstevens.com\/?p=1089"},"modified":"2013-09-09T13:11:03","modified_gmt":"2013-09-09T13:11:03","slug":"i-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/?p=1089","title":{"rendered":"I cry"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the past few weeks, I have been revisiting the sad place.\u00a0 It is the place that I can only journey alone, in the earthly sense.\u00a0 I never really travel alone. There is always a heavenly presence.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand it, but often in the silent places of deep in the valley of the shadow, I feel closest to God.\u00a0 In the sad place, I find that I can be totally honest with myself about how I am feeling.\u00a0 No mask.\u00a0 No filter.\u00a0 Raw, but honest.<\/p>\n

My littlest one asked the other day, \u201cMomma, why are you crying so much.\u201d\u00a0 I had to explain that I had to go to a sad place.\u00a0 She is\u00a0eight; so, I likened the place to the \u201cSlump\u201d in Dr. Seuss\u2019 \u201cOh the Places You Will Go\u201d.\u00a0 She gets that because in her world she doesn\u2019t want a sad mommy.\u00a0 But sometimes, you will come to a slump.\u00a0 That she understands.<\/p>\n

These were the words swirling in my most raw moments when I soaked my pillow with my tears.<\/p>\n

\"DSC01297\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

in a single moment all was changed. Now all we have is memories and old photographs.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

silently not wanting \u00a0to share my pain in front of my children, for fear of scaring them. Their pillar of strength is really human, after all.\u00a0 Secretly I know they know this, but I will give my dying breath to protect them.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

The hole in my heart leaves such a scar in my existence.\u00a0 Its caverns echo the beat of the sad song when the wind blows out of the valley.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

a melody reminds me of happier days when we sang and danced and laughed about our singing and dancing.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

Feeling that I have let my children down because there are days when I feel hopeless is winning.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

Jumping at the ringing of the phone, desperately wanting the answers I want to hear.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . tragedy brings chaos.\u00a0 I detest swimming in chaos. No matter which way I paddle my strokes chaos\u2019 rip current threatens to pull me under.<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

My scars are invisible, but theirs are real.\u00a0 Pain is a daily visitor, and yet they hold their heads high.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . perseverance might be one lesson while waiting.\u00a0 Wondering how long that lesson must take and why did\u00a0we have to earn advanced degrees.\u00a0 For once in our lives, couldn\u2019t we just be average?<\/p>\n

I cry . . .<\/p>\n

because everything he loved was taken away, and yet there are still people who say ridiculously stupid things.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . wishing sometimes I was the kind of person who smacked people who say stupid things.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . choking down the lump in my throat because platitudes and trite sayings, do not help.\u00a0 I want to scream, \u201cDo you not see the hole?\u201d But we\u2019ll take your word scars, your thoughtless actions, AND we will continue turning our cheeks, knowing very few could walk in our shoes.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . understanding the tortuous relationship with genetics. When your children hurt, a part of you is woven into them.\u00a0 Like tiny saucers sending a message to the mother ship, every fiber of my being is writhing in pain for them.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . sadness has creeping tentacles grasping for all of my family. \u00a0Mustering the strength to become a warrior to fight back its choking appendages, some days takes all my energy.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . bearing burdens is grueling, heart-breaking work.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . fervently hoping that my visit to the pit of sadness won\u2019t be long enough for my card to be punched.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . eternity seems so far away. \u00a0Wanting to hear your giggle and wondering how you will look without glasses. My ears longing to hear,\u00a0 \u201cHey Mom.\u00a0 This is Jesus.\u00a0 You are going to love Him!\u201d followed by one of those sneaky behind the back hugs.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . knowing that in the light of eternity all of this seems small.<\/p>\n

I cry . . . remembering that He is collecting every tear in his bottle.<\/p>\n

I weep . . . embracing the promise that He will replace my cloak of despair with a garment of praise.<\/p>\n

I sob . . . knowing His grace is sweet, yet\u00a0powerful enough to cover it all.<\/p>\n

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.\u00a0 ~John Vance Cheney<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the past few weeks, I have been revisiting the sad place.\u00a0 It is the place that I can only journey alone, in the earthly sense.\u00a0 I never really travel alone. There is always a heavenly presence.\u00a0 I don\u2019t understand it, but often in the silent places of deep in the valley of the shadow, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[755,756,757,758,759,198,274,312,427,514,760,761,762,613],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1089"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1089\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1089"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1089"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1089"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}