{"id":631,"date":"2013-01-18T03:31:08","date_gmt":"2013-01-18T03:31:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kandynolesstevens.com\/?p=631"},"modified":"2013-01-18T03:31:08","modified_gmt":"2013-01-18T03:31:08","slug":"the-thing-about-grief-part-7","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.realsweetgrace.com\/blog\/?p=631","title":{"rendered":"The thing about grief . . . Part 7"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"from<\/a>

from the website www.1065thearch.com<\/p><\/div>\n

Originally, I thought that I was going to write a 6 part series on grief, but twice I woke up and clearly God had something other than what I had planned ready to go.\u00a0 Trust me; His ideas are always better than mine; so here we are with at least a couple more parts.<\/p>\n

Since we chose to bury Reed near his Grandpa Earl in North Dakota, we had to drive the 430 miles to the cemetery.\u00a0 It was our first time out in the larger world since 10 days prior when my whole life changed.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember the item we needed on the trip home, but I do remember how out of body the experience seemed.\u00a0 We stopped at the Super Target in Grand Forks.\u00a0 I remember standing by the carts at the entrance when suddenly I had to grip the cart corral.\u00a0 I watched as everyone in the store flit about, going on as normal.\u00a0 I wanted to scream at them all. They moved around like ants marching in fast forward in a world of pointless errands.\u00a0 Everything around me was spinning.\u00a0 My only thought was how can they not all see how sad I am.\u00a0 Then the worse thought crept in. They really could see the gigantic hole in my heart, but they didn\u2019t care.\u00a0 I wanted to know when it would be that I could move around again with no worries or cares in the world.<\/p>\n

The honest truth was it took months to even feel human.\u00a0 Even though we continued forward with life, it took that long before I didn\u2019t feel shell-shocked.\u00a0 But the verse Psalm 30:5 is true, \u201cWeeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t literal for me in this case, but there came a time that I did reenter society \u2013 shopping at the store, attending school functions, and getting my hair done.<\/p>\n

The thing I remember most vividly is the first time I really laughed.\u00a0 I honestly thought I would never do that again.\u00a0 I had a few giggles at the memorial service where kids who loved Reed shared a few great stories.\u00a0 If I could earn gold medal in worrying, I would be, at the very\u00a0least, a silver medalist in laughter.\u00a0 I love to laugh, always have. It is something that I inherited from my mom, and have passed on to my own kids.\u00a0 When my heart was ripped into pieces and my whole being was exhausted dealing with two injured children, laughter looked like something that had left without me.<\/p>\n

Then one day several weeks after the crash, I was waiting for the sweet family that was bringing us supper that day.\u00a0 Sawyer was sitting in his recliner watching television.\u00a0 Normally, I wouldn\u2019t have let him watch this show, but at that point, he was still writhing in pain 23 out of every 24 hours.\u00a0 So, if watching The Simpson\u2019s<\/span> kept his mind of losing his brother\/best friend (not to mention his own losses), I wasn\u2019t going to declare a war on inappropriate television.<\/p>\n

While sitting there, the opening of the show had a postcard arrive in the mail.\u00a0 Marge looks at the scenic side of the postcard.\u00a0 At first, I missed the sarcasm. \u00a0But when it sank in to my numbed brain, I began to laugh.\u00a0 I laughed so hard that I trembled.\u00a0 Tears rolled down my cheeks.\u00a0 It was at that moment that I knew I would be able to laugh again.\u00a0 I realized that \u201cjoy had arrived in the morning\u201d. \u00a0I wasn\u2019t betraying Reed by being happy or laughing.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t feel guilty laughing at the snarky card. Simply, I enjoyed good humor.<\/p>\n

Exhausted, yes!\u00a0 Overwhelmed, absolutely! Edgy humor, definitely inappropriate! Beginning to feel that I would laugh again, amazing!<\/p>\n

It was a simple start, but it was a baby-step beginning to normalcy.\u00a0 I did an internet search just the other day on that episode.\u00a0 Sadly, I couldn\u2019t find it in English, but it is available on Youtube in a language I don\u2019t even recognize.\u00a0 It really isn\u2019t all that funny, but for whatever reason, it sent me into uproarious laughter.<\/p>\n

Maybe you had to have been her.<\/p>\n