Manny and Nora

Dear Manny & Nora:

I  never had the opportunity to meet you in person, because you had already gone home before I came into your family.  My family and I just spent the weekend wrapped in love in North Dakota surrounded by ninety of your children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and even one great-great granddaughter.  That was only the number of those who could attend this year, and a few of your cousins and second cousins came along too!  I had such an amazing experience (as did my whole family) that I wanted to write to you about the family reunion.  To the Dakota prairie we all travel as if spellbound for the lure of the sacred water gently calling our names like the siren song, only in our journey we wash up in the arms of a loved one saying, “I’m so glad to see you.”

Eighty-two years ago, the two of you were young and starting out a new life together, not knowing what legacy you would leave in this world.  The first description of that legacy would be a whole lot of family.  Whether by blood or marriage, we number well past one hundred and twenty-five.  After shaking the sheer overwhelming nature of headcounts, the only thing you feel is love – that holds us all together with heaven’s gossamer when we are away from this place.

Remaining Sisters (aka Queen's Court)

Remaining Sisters (aka Queen’s Court)

You raised a great group of kids, and your grandkids are amazingly talented people in all facets of life – hard workers and excellent parents.  (Of course, I am pretty partial to one of your grandsons.) Your sons married wonderful wives, and your daughters are the thread that holds this family together.   Like the reunion t-shirts proclaimed, family is cherished here.  Based on my personal observations as granddaughter-in-law, you raised people to love God, love each other, have fun, be lighthearted, eat and cook well, laugh heartily, enjoy life’s little moments, and make music with your voice and your heart.

I would have to write a book on the beauty of it all, but in a nutshell this is what I experienced over the weekend.

  • Piles and piles of rich foods (lovingly prepared, savored, and devoured) – including recipes passed down directly from you.
  • More hugs than I think have ever been recorded.  Some in greetings, some in farewells, but most, just because we were so glad to be together.
  • Tears of joy and tears of sadness for all of life’s miracles and heartaches.
  • Laughter that had to bring joy to the heavens.
  • Prairie winds, sun, and storms – which brought us together in more ways than one.
  • Swapping of old stories and family lines (who is related to whom and how)
  • Teenagers coming out their shells and emerging as beautiful people – ready to carry the torch of family for future generations
  • Godchildren and godparents
  • Healthy competitions and gentle ribbing
  • Quality time spent fishing, visiting, eating, playing cards, or gathering around the campfire
  • Babies and septuagenarians
  • Relationships strengthened and built
  • Handmade love lavished on the little ones.
  • Gifts that made thousand mile journeys.
  • Superheroes – those who made cabbage rolls, Ironman protecting us at supper, and who could ever forget Spiderma’am

ironmanspiderma'am

  • Legends – best cinnamon rolls in the world, first fish caught, and jokes that never get old
  • Singing around a campfire (or in a makeshift group out of the storm), but singing just to be together.
  • Songs in memory, in tradition, and in tribute.
  • So many pictures that we should all have eye troubles for a while
  • Reunion traditions – old and new – fashion shows that rival Paris runways
  • Sadness for those unable to travel and for those who have gone to join you, followed by happiness because we are cloaked in so many happy memories.
A small gathering

A small gathering

We have weathered life’s journey well.  We have sojourned through the celebrations of  births, baptisms, graduations, and weddings, mourning tragedies, deaths, and defeats.  Together we have hated cancer, loved each other, and rejoiced in gathering. As we prepared to leave that sacred and blessed time, it took at least an hour to say good-bye.  There were that many necks to hug, and I can only imagine that it will take us that long to enter heaven because of the hugs awaiting our arrival.

In case they don’t know already, we will just have to show all of heaven how we do things – Nowatzki-style!

Photos by Amy Schuler, Jason Schuler, Sawyer Stevens, and Emily Currier Nowatzki

It’s just a number

kurtisI had the pleasure of having breakfast with my almost ten-year-old nephew this morning.  In a houseful of people gearing up for a family vacation/reunion, a quiet conversation is rare.  I’m so glad it happened.  After exchanging pleasantries of “How did you sleep?” and “How did you NOT hear that storm”, my sweet boy revealed where his heart is at today.

If you ever experience quiet moments, you will “hear” much about a person’s heart, and at the very least, those things troubling their mind.  So it was at Grandma’s table today.  In between bites of banana bread, K explained that he was sad that he was in a level of swimming lessons below where he and his momma thought he should be.

What a precious moment for an auntie!  I don’t believe in coincidences, but I do believe that God orchestrates the timing of where I need to be when I need to be there.  Today was proof positive.  I shared that I never finished swimming lessons at his age because I hated getting my face in the water.  My husband shared that I still hate it which is why I use a snorkel all the time.  I can swim for miles with my adaptation.  I also told K that no matter what level becoming a strong swimmer is important (because it could one day save his life).

But this is where the conversation changed . . . as a teacher I have seen so much emphasis placed on numbers that I think it has filtered over into everything that our children do.  Scratch that, numbers have become a filter in how we all see life.

Warning – this is a soapbox issue for me!  Hear me roar!

To the student who didn’t score as well on the test: That number written on that paper or letter from the standardized test company doesn’t define who you are.  It doesn’t define your future – no matter what anybody says.  It may prevent you from attending certain universities, but given today’s economic climate, it might not. Even if it does, bloom where you land anyways.  Remember it is you, and not the university, that is the product of which to be proud.  I don’t know a single adult my age that goes around spouting their test scores, because frankly, nobody cares because that number isn’t what makes you successful.  It’s just a number.

To the kid who works hard every day to practice, but doesn’t score the winning shot/goal/touchdown:  The information recorded in the books is just a number.  What you do matters.  The old saying is true.  There is no “I” in TEAM.  Every member of a team is important. To me, numbers of assists always tell me more about your willingness to be a part of a team. I know it might not feel that way, but the skills (persistence, dedication, loyalty, perseverance) you learn from being a part of group are far more critical to your future development that what is written in the scorebook.  It’s just a number.

To women everywhere who worry about the scale:  With tears in my eyes, I am telling you unless you need that thing for medical purposes, go right now and THROW it out.  I have so many friends that talk about losing those extra 10, 20, or 50 pounds.  If you want to do that for you or your health, go for it!  But if your motivation is because someone else’s definition of beauty doesn’t include those extra pounds, it is all rubbish! I am going to be honest with you.  Your size matters much less than the character of your heart.  Sometimes, I wish I could remove my eyes just so you could see what I see when I see you.  I think you would be shocked if you did. All you would see is beauty!  It’s just a number.

To those who focus on the calendar age:  If you had nothing left to contribute, God would have taken you home already.  There is a reason for your being here.  I know you may not be as spry as you once were, but I am not looking for spry.  I like many other women are looking for mentors to love us, to remind us of God’s truth and promises,  and to share with us your life (including mistakes and wrinkles).  That matters!  Even if the world standard is newer, faster, or stronger, I have found more quiet strength in sitting hand-in-hand with eighty and ninety year olds than anyone could ever imagine.  Age – It’s just a number.

I didn’t give my little nephew the full brunt of this rant, but I did ask him three questions.

  • Does which swimming level you are in define who you are?
  • Does which swimming level you are in make us love you anymore or any less?
  • Does which swimming level you are in change that you are loved child of God?

Sitting there with bedhead hair and Angry Birds jammies, his twinkling eyes told me he knew the answer to all three.  I pray every day that all the world will know that while numbers are fun (for some of us), for much of life, they are just numbers.

Thanking God today for banana bread and little boys.

PS – By the way in God’s eyes, you are absolutely, positively one of the best “numbers” He’s ever created!

What my soul needed

Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya

Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama

Key Largo, Montego

Baby why don’t we go?

Jamaica

Up north to the town, Leeds

Um? Kandy?

That is not how the song lyrics go.

Yes, I would agree with your assessment. And No! This isn’t one of those times when I actually couldn’t understand the words and used my imagination to make up my own.  I will assert that my own lyrics are sometimes much more entertaining than the originals.

Actually, this time  I made this version as I was walking down a partially gravel road (3rd St S to be exact) in Leeds, ND last night.  I was walking from Great Aunt Mary’s house to Lorraine’s (Daniel’s mom) house following an amazing supper on the front lawn – labor of love of three generations of Nowatzki’s.

The meal was caught, cleaned, battered, fried, prepared, eaten, and washed up with “all hands on deck”.  While sitting on the lawn, I could feel deeply, an overwhelming sense of joy overcome my heart.

I have to confess that I was incredibly excited for our family reunion and seeing all of our family, but I have been carrying around an aching sadness.  I have been yearning for the vacation we had planned to take this year for Reed’s graduation (much like the ones in the beginning of the song).  Sadly, a myriad of reasons put the kibosh on that plan.

So going to one of our “homes” (again I was excited to do) is the only vacation we are taking this year as a family.

After that multi-generational dinner – which was less about filling my stomach and more about replenishing my soul – I took that short walk to have a quiet conversation with God.

Rested and relaxed, I realized this is truly what a vacation is meant to be.

No stress. . . no worries. . . and filled with things loved.  (Of course, I love the sea too, but this time God granted me insight into the vacation I needed and not the one I wanted.)

As I walked, I thought back to the last couple of days and all the things I didn’t see on travel sites and travel brochures.

  • Little kids running between houses with imaginations longer than the hours of the day
  • Sun-soaked hair that shows hours spent playing outside or at the city pool
  • Cousins that have never met having sleepovers and making instant connections
  • One sweetie catching her first fish (and it was a whopper) and teaching her the fine art of telling a fisherman’s tale
  • Taking a late night trip to the train station to pick up a cousin I had never met
  • Hugging everyone many times a day
  • Having a special “graduation” moment for Reed wrapped in the loving arms of my cousin, Amy
  • Walking everywhere, seldom with a destination in mind
  • Quilting and sharing lots of love and memories
  • Three o’clock chocolate breaks
  • The goofiness of teenagers
  • Late night sessions of packed tables with stories being swapped in every direction
K's first fish - photo bomb courtesy of my girl, E.

K’s first fish – photo bomb courtesy of my girl, E.

No agendas . . . other than to love each and every moment.

In the few block walk, I confessed to God that I needed an attitude of the heart adjustment. Instead of worrying about what I thought I wanted (dare I say I thought I “deserved”), I began to appreciate what I have (a message resonating with me in many aspects of my life).  I’m glad that in just a few short days, He showed me that what I needed to have a revival of my spirit He had already provided. Perhaps it would be best to get out of my own way.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel encumbered by all my worries.  Today, I am thanking God for family reunions, soul refreshment (by letting go), and of course, dusty dirt roads.

The flight of hope

One of the things I like most about myself is my love of nature.  I can sit for hours in my garden watching bugs, flowers, the sky, and just about anything else that goes on out there.  Nature and creation fascinate me.  That healthy sense of curiosity is probably one of the driving forces to me becoming a science teacher.

The more time I spend in God’s word, the more I realize how much nature is tucked into the verses.  With each new discovery in verse and in nature, I feel like I am drawn closer to God.  On a recent trip out to a friend’s farm, my senses were on overload.

Heaven and earth are full of your glory . . .

The sky was filled with blue gray skies as a small rain had just dampened the parched ground.  The smell of rain permeated our vehicle.  That is an amazing smell. Is it one of the smells of heaven?  The prairie roses were thick in the roadside ditches.  But the best part was the witness of a tiny escort as we drove down the lane to their home.

A flicker of bright gold feathers boldly flew right in front of us until we reached the house.  I was captivated by the flash of colors and the bold courage of one so small.  Even my husband remarked at his beauty, later confessing that it was the second time in a week that he had witnessed one escorting us.  (Apparently, I had nodded off in the car the first time; so, he had a private audience with the little friend.)

Photo: thefixer/Flickr

Photo: thefixer/Flickr

I was on heaven’s cloud nine taking in all the sights and sounds of beauty on the prairie.  Gorgeous doesn’t even seem to begin to be a big enough word to convey the scene.

Later that evening as we were preparing for bed, I shared with my sweetie what joy I felt in my heart.  The goldfinch is our little Clo’s bird (the one she receives as an ornament each Christmas).  The first one appeared in our yard, shortly after the loss of Clo’s twin in utero.  I have always seen that first appearance as a sign of God’s promise of hope.  I didn’t understand it at the time, because we didn’t know that we were still pregnant with the other twin, Cloie.  Something about the bright cheery color of the male plumage just exudes hope.

It was during our bedtime conversation that my husband shared the earlier encounter with the other finch.  Revealing a piece of my heart, I told him that each time I see one darting about, I think of our other tiny little girl.  Teary-eyed, I explained how I wonder if she is as spunky as her sister and if she too holds a bundle of energy inside a head of curls and face full of freckles.

While I will always have notes of sadness in my life’s song, I cannot help but be filled with soaring bars of hope each and every time I see a goldfinch fly.

Sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the earth. Psalm 96:1 (NIV)

If creation will let me, I am going to be singing along.

Blessed is

This last week has been one of wonders for me.  So instead of a traditional blog with a story, I am going to just tell it in snippets with a few pictures thrown in for good measure.

Bliss is working together as a family for four days straight side-by-side to reach a common goal.

Celebration is seeing the chaos of your life begin to dissipate.

Awe is discovering that wayward tree growing in your lilac bushes is actually a mulberry tree your boys planted years ago on Arbor Day.

blog pic 17

Happiness is realizing you didn’t cut it down when you first discovered its appearance above the hedge.

Wonder is spending forty-five minutes watching monarch caterpillars munch on milkweed leaves in your garden.

blog pic 16

Satisfaction is realizing that when others thought you were weird for planting milkweed you were confident God would bring the butterflies.

Excitement is letting out a squeal of delight when you see the life-sized mechanical dinosaur move.

blog pic 15

(Of course, this kind of delight may cause one of your best friends to almost run off the road.)

Thankfulness is knowing she loves you anyways – even if you are a science geek with a child-like love for dinosaurs.

Awe-inspiring is watching your little girl see a friend she met only once before walk hand-in-hand with that friend immediately while introducing her to her other friends.

Proud is watching the fruits of your friends’ labors create one of the most amazing small town open air markets I have ever enjoyed.

Tasty is bringing home those labors and enjoying every single bite.

Joy is watching your children smile – even in life’s smallest moments.

Amazement is being surrounded by your family and friends watching fireworks.

Rapture is swapping stories at our favorite viewing site.

Crazy is finding prairie roses in the ditch and wishing to bring them home to your garden.

blog pic 18

Crazy love is a dear friend getting you the shovel.

Captivating is finding a killdeer nest in the community garden.

Nurturing is making little flags that warn others not to disturb the eggs.

Exuberance is espying the first lightning bug of the year!

Blessed is my life!

First world problems

A dear friend of mine has a wonderful blog, and she recently shared about her realization of how some of her quirks might need minor adjustments. http://www.nancyholte.com/blog/2013/07/762/

Before I go any farther, if you think that you don’t have any quirks and that I am judging my friend, rest assured I am not.  We all have quirks –especially me (like my need to have all of my beverages completely filled with ice so that they are cold enough).  Nine times out of ten, those personality characteristics are what I love the most about my friends.  Trust me, I am not living over here in my glass house because I know many people the world over would love clean drinking water while I am complaining that my drink isn’t cold enough.  I get it.

I am acutely aware that even despite the tragedies that have befallen our family I am still more blessed than 95% of the world’s population.  That awareness is something that I am trying to instill in my children as they are becoming older and much more world savvy.  No name brand or one singular item will define the character of your heart.  Hard work and serving others is much more important than momentary thrill of a purchase.  These aren’t just platitudes for me, and I am trying on a regular basis to let my life’s choices be an example to my children.   Sometimes I don’t think they are listening.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

One day, our daughters were bickering in the van about something so trivial I cannot even remember what it was.  They both had valid points, but in the end of the day, they were clothed, nourished physically and spiritually, and housed.  The thing they were arguing about was not life threatening nor earth shaking; so I pointed out to them that their conflict was a “first world problem” suggesting that they should agree to disagree and move on.

They acquiesced, and our whole family started quoting lines from a family favorite video: Top 100 First World Problems by Scooter Magruder, as we continued on down to our destination. Upon arrival at the local big box hardware store, we made  a quick double-check of our list to create a game plan for this excursion in the midst of our home remodeling.

As we opened the doors to the van, our littlest was searching for her shoes.  Under the seat, next to the seat, in the back of the van, in my purse (as if they would be there), and on the ground – they were nowhere to be found.  I know I grumbled a bit asking if she wore shoes to the store.  She assured me she thought she did.  My annoyance wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t just gone through the same thing a week before when we drove THREE HOURS to pick up her brother from med school camp –  only to discover she was sans shoes.  We had to go to the Mecca of the South and buy shoes before the closing ceremonies, forcing us to enter late (something I detest doing).

There was no rescuing her this time; so, I scooped her up (which was a challenge as she is getting tall) and carried her into the store with bare piggies.  On our way in, I was chiding her for not bringing shoes.  I reminded her this was crazy,  and she was old enough to be responsible for her own shoes.

Then it came:  wisdom wrapped up in a long-legged, curly-headed, freckled-face eight year old little girl.

“You know, Momma.  This is a first world problem.  Lots of kids around the world don’t even have shoes.”

Touché, my little Sally Gal. Touché.

They are listening.  They are always listening.  Be mindful of what you say, and even more mindful of what your actions speak.  I know I am definitely trying to be much more particular!

Clo's keens

By the way if you need a chuckle, check out Scooter’s video on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXCsRlpbqPM

Blossom and bloom

Nowatzki Family Homestead by Neil Nowatzki (All Rights Reserved)

Nowatzki Family Homestead by Neil Nowatzki (All Rights Reserved)

Twenty – two years is a relatively long time to spend with one person by some standards.  Over the course of those years, I am so glad that we have lost some of the formality of titles.  At some point, I just started calling his people – MY PEOPLE!  When I talk about my cousins (like Ellen or Amy) or sisters (Mary, Rita, or Lori), I don’t mention the words in-laws any longer. First of all it is exhausting and complicated to explain the relationships, and second, in God’s eyes we are all family.  Frankly, I don’t like to say, “Well this is so-n-so and she is married to Daniel’s cousin”, because honestly we are closer than our husbands; therefore, we ARE the cousins! Along with my own people, I quite possibly have one of the biggest families around.

Woven into the fabric of families are traditions and treasures.  I recently finished the memoirs of an adopted grandma (Here I go again! My FAMILY is HUGE!), and cradled in her words were examples of those sweet time-honored traditions like the ebb and flow of life on the South Dakota prairie.  While it might get missed by the careless reader, one such tradition shared over and over was that of lunch twice a day.  (I could write a whole book on colloquialisms of the word lunch, but on the prairie that meant coffee about nine or nine-thirty and again at two. Just roll with it, if that’s not your definition of lunch.)  When I read her words, I was surrounded by the warm cozy feeling you get when wrapped in a favorite old quilt.

On Friday, I had my own blessed encounter – shared with my beloved – regarding a treasure that originated in his family.   Said treasure is a rose bush that started out on the family homestead in Wales, North Dakota. This was the home where my other Mom and her siblings were raised in the backyard of the Canadian border.  As my understanding goes, cuttings from the rose followed the family into town, and later into the yards and gardens of the children and grandchildren of Grandpa and Grandma Nowatzki.

A few years back, we asked Mom if we could have a cutting for our front yard garden.  She said that we could, but the time of year wasn’t the best to make one.  Unbeknownst to us, she and Rita lovingly and tenderly drove the cuttings down to Minnesota later that summer.  Promptly, we planted it right outside our bedroom window, where we nursed, fertilized, and generally loved on that plant.

More than once, I was moved to tears because she never looked like she held much promise. I felt like such a failure when it came to the Wales rose (clearly not her trade name, but as my sister Mary says, it’s her name now).   In fact, one time a friend came to help me do some landscaping and declared our family treasure – a stick.  I vehemently argued that she was, indeed, NOT a stick. How could she think such a thing?  I explained it was a family heirloom and exhorted that I was disappointed that she couldn’t see its beauty inherent.  The slight shrug of her shoulders indicated she wasn’t convinced.

Over the weekend, we were a demolition crew, home remodelers, landscape architects, and home organizers, all wrapped into one big team.  During the landscaping portion of our home improvement, I was beckoned to come quickly by  my sweetie watering the garden bed between our house and the neighbors.  There was urgency in his voice that I don’t normally hear.  I jumped up and came running.  Upon arrival, all I saw were some zinnia cotyledons and beautiful clematis flowers (both of which I had seen all week).  My perplexed eyebrows must have given a hint at my annoyance of being called away from Reed’s garden.  A quick head nod indicating around the corner of the house to the front garden changed my outlook.  I moved over a few footsteps and was stopped breathlessly in my tracks.  There were two of the most beautiful blossoms on our prized Wales rosebush.

wales rose

I smiled in the middle of happy tears at two thoughts.  We finally did it – loved her enough to blossom!  Followed by how much love one man could give, fully knowing that simple sight would make my day!  He knows this because he also knows that none of my childhood favorites would survive the harsh winters of Minnesota; therefore, I had to adopt one of his.

Later as I got ready for bed, I saw those beautiful blooms outside my window.  I felt my heart stirring.  I’m probably a whole lot like that rosebush to God.  When, at times in my life, I have been the stick, He just kept on coaxing and nudging – hoping that I would bloom. (If you have ever read The Shack, the Holy Spirit as a gardener fits here perfectly.)  He didn’t give up when others declared – she is just a stick with thorns.  Nope! He saw the potentiality, the promise, the HOPE he had for me and my future.  I definitely needed pruning (don’t we all?) along the way, but there, at the core, was God’s beauty just waiting for the perfect timing to bloom.

I saw God at the prom

The jokes of blue tuxes, boot casts for shoes, and forgetting the corsage were staples around our house leading up to the first prom for our son.  A little good natured ribbing is a part of the fabric that makes up our family; so the jokes were just the norm.  As the mother of the young man in the couple, my traditional role was to help pay for the tux (which after seeing the final bill made me think that creating one out of duct tape might not have been a bad idea after all).  As shared in a previous blog, my gift of love for the young couple was to make them a coursed meal from scratch.  http://kandynolesstevens.com/2013/04/30/one-tired-momma-and-lots-of-fun/ While definitely a labor of love, it was worth every scrumptious bite.

This was the first prom for both Sawyer and Rachel, but given their big hearts, it definitely was one to remember.  It all began much earlier as our sweet kids decided that they wanted to invite a friend of Reed’s to the prom.  (This would have been Reed’s senior prom, and thus, it would have been for B as well.  I think the video the kids made tells that story better than I ever could.

What they don’t tell you in the video is that Sawyer was just released from the hospital having his 7th surgery since the bus crash; hence, the jokes about the boot cast.  From that moment on, those two kids made sure that every decision they made was to honor Brayden.  In their minds, it was his last prom, and they still a chance to attend more.  They kept his family in the loop for tuxes and colors, bought two boutonnieres, and found the perfect vehicle to attend the drive-up (which was totally foreign to this momma).  A lot about prom in Minnesota was different than the proms I attended in Florida. While other kids arrived in muscle cars, decked out trucks, or vintage roadsters, the awesome trio arrived in a fully equipped motorhome so that Brayden would be able to arrive in comfort.

They put a lot of thought into their entrance, recruiting a couple little girls (one sister and one friend) to carry a banner that said “Live a Life of Love” as the RV pulled up to the red carpet.  They entered as a trio after Brayden and his wheelchair were sashayed down the ramp from the camper.  The three marched through Grand March, and, at least from the three families involved, there wasn’t a dry eye among us when Brayden had the biggest smile on his face at the photo stops.  He knew that he was the Prince of the Ball, and no one could deny it. It is a good thing that B loves lights because his paparazzi rivaled that of a celebrity on that night!

prom night 2

At one point, Reed’s best girl friend came running over and wanted to make sure that the four of them were in a picture together.  It was hard to keep the tears in, because in my heart I knew that if Reed were here, it would have been all five of them in the picture as I am certain that young lady would have been his date.

prom night 1

Although not the typical start of the prom, we all waited to watch Brayden’s first dance because he wouldn’t be staying much longer.  After cooling off for a while outside, B and his entourage (parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, workers) went inside to find Sawyer waiting for his arrival with a quick thumbs up.  He wheeled Brayden out to the floor, only to discover that Rachel had stepped away to visit her friends.

What could have been an odd moment was completely changed as Reed and Brayden’s classmates: girls first, followed by the boys, surrounded both young men on the dance floor. That magical moment  is one I will never forget as the whole group all danced together with the Beau of the Ball.

Huge tears streaked down my cheeks as I witnessed quite possibly the most, tender moment – EVER.  Originally, I had been a little uncomfortable peeking in at that time-honored moment of teenage revelry because I felt they deserved their privacy, but I am so glad I pushed past my comfort zone of Southern tradition.

Because if I hadn’t stayed, I would have missed seeing God’s love at the prom. A love that shone brightly through the gift of one amazing friend who blessed us all!

Tears of Joy

photo found at buzzle.com

photo found at buzzle.com

Two months ago, I had the opportunity to speak at a church not far from my hometown.  I spoke on the topic of forgiveness – which is a draining conversation we all need to hear. So moved by the experience, it has taken me this long to be able to put into words the transformation that took place in my life that day.

I did write about my experience with God in the Wal-mart bathroom that afternoon (http://kandynolesstevens.com/2013/04/17/just-when-i-thought-i-was-safe/) but something much larger occurred that I have kept hidden in my heart until now.  Something I didn’t know would ever be possible again.

I will confess that I did not ask one important question prior to the talk.  I had spoken at several MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) groups previously, and each had the same format.  I spoke for about forty-five minutes, after which the mommas broke into small groups for discussion and prayer.  (The old adage about assuming applied here because this group expected me to talk for about an hour and half.)

I shared my talk on forgiveness, and it is an exhausting story.  Being an innate hugger, I often want to stop and hug the women in the audience when they are crying at my retelling of events.  They are crying with me and for me because my life story has touched something deep in their soul.

I know my story is powerful  . . . even I am moved to tears at times when I speak because it is a challenge to look out and see no dry eyes.  It is at those moments I realize that, “Wow God!  I really did live this, and with your help we survived.”

When I realized that they desired for me to keep talking, I politely asked if I could share where my family was today and about how God was using our story.  I shared about my children’s progress emotionally and physically. Then, I revealed snippets of my upcoming book, Notes from a Grieving Momma.

At the end, I opened the floor to questions.  After hearing my story of forgiveness, I knew there would be many (why at the other MOPS events, I linger to answer, to hug, and to offer encouragement).  It is difficult to describe that you could feel like you were catching-up with old friends whom you haven’t seen in a while when I was talking to strangers, but in God’s family the bonds grow strongly and quickly.  We have a common Father, and we can sometimes skip over the small talk.

Then came the question that caused my knees to buckle.  “You will let us know when we can pick up a copy of that book, right?” Followed by, “Please make sure that we can get a copy easily – this is a small town after all.” When I looked around the room every face was now smiling and nodding.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

As if on cue, immediately following my talk, my cell phone rang.  The caller was the other person who could give these talks if he at all cared to speak in front of others – he does not – but his perspective would be equally life changing.  My sweet husband waited patiently, timing when to call and ask, “So how did it go?”

I told him about the wonderful food, the engaged audience of mommas, meeting their adorable babes, the gift of love they gave me . . .

and then,  I burst into tears.

I could hear in his voice concern.  He knows the story having walked alongside me each step of the way.  Was I crying because it was such a hard topic? Was I crying because I once again went back and relived it? What brought on the torrential downpour of salinated drops?

It took me a few moments before I could put it into one word.

Joy!

Joy? I could tell from his voice that he had bigger concerns like had I lost my mind.

You know when God tells us that he wants – NO!  he YEARNS – to give us the desires of our hearts, He MEANS IT.  That day I knew what that felt like.  Every synapse in my brain, every cell in my body, and every stirring of my soul was alive with God’s message for my life.

He allowed my faux pas to be used in a way that spoke loudly and clearly to my heart.  I knew from early on that God does not give void to those whom he loves, and I knew that some way somehow God was going to use the pain of our lives’ stories to help others.   How else would any of this make sense?

I knew never that it would come in the form of my desire to be a blessing to others.  I never knew how deeply I needed the affirmations of strangers (now sisters) to tell me that God wants my (well, our) book and ministry to touch the lives of others.

I sat in my van, sobbing, confessing to my husband that flood gates to my heart had been opened – because even I didn’t know if I would ever truly be able to cry tears of joy again.

It was an amazing feeling!