Adding purple to my color wheel

Yesterday I alluded to a time where I had a really bad start to a project.  One summer while travelling back to my childhood home, I asked one of my two grandmothers to teach me to crochet.  I had just started knitting, and everyone remarked that crocheting was so much easier, implying that I should have started there.   Both of my grandmothers are talented when it comes to cooking, sewing, crocheting, and quilting.  Nanny dabbled in just about every craft imaginable and was an amazing florist, and Mama was a professional seamstress who now crochets to keep her hands busy.  The amazing thing is that both share the same birthday (albeit 5 years apart) – today.

One is celebrating her first birthday surrounded by loved ones in heaven, and the other celebrates 89 young years.  This baby afghan started six years ago almost never came to fruition.  Following the passing of Nanny in December, I just couldn’t let it lie unfinished.

When I started the project, I was visiting at Mama’s house, and asked her to teach me to crochet.  A quick trip to the Mecca of the South provided tutor and pupil with the needed supplies.  I don’t know what in the world possessed me to buy purple yarn – because it was and still is my least favorite color.  (Sorry to my Minnesota neighbors, Vikings colors and all.)

While my grandmothers are equally special in my heart, they couldn’t be any more different.  One is just a plain old purple girl, and the other is definitely a mauve maven. As different as they are, they share a love of the color purple.  Maybe their shared love is what guided that yarn purchase, but other than to make a Vikings scarf, I have never had much interest in purple yarn since.

When we sat down to start our lesson, I tried as hard as I could but didn’t find it easy or enjoyable.  This isn’t a condemnation of the teacher, because she was as patient as Job.  No matter what I did, my motor muscle memory was still in training for two needles – not one hook.  I completed maybe 2 or 3 inches of the afghan before it was time to load up the minivan with suitcases, coolers, and oh yes, kiddos to head on down to Florida.

At Nanny’s house, she critiqued the work and gushed about the color.  She wanted to see how many stitches Mama suggested to create the ripple pattern.  She, too, offered encouragement, but even her tutelage really wasn’t getting me anywhere.  At this point, five inches total were done.

One not to give in too quickly, I took the whole works on a 4-H trip, working while we traversed by Amtrak from Minnesota to New York.  After that trip, the whole kit and caboodle (all seven inches) went in the recesses of the craft buckets, not to be seen again until this last December.

Like a beacon from a lighthouse providing hope and guidance to wayward sailors, the afghan became a vestige of hope for a brokenhearted granddaughter, one who would never this side of heaven be able to work collectively with both of them again.  After tackling the Granny squares mentioned yesterday, I was equipped with more confidence and ready to complete the long forgotten baby blanket.

The resurgence of new found interest was not without problems.  Thankfully, I could phone a friend (Mama) and get a few more tidbits of instruction.  Also, when you start a project six  years earlier, most likely dye lots have changed on the yarn.  So rather than one seamless project it became a tribute to all things purple in memory of Nanny and in honor of Mama.

nanny blanket 3

One evening as I was close to finishing the afghan, my sweet little Clo climbed up in my lap and asked the most beautiful question.

“Momma, who is going to get this blanket?”

My response was one of uncertainty.  Her cherubic face and inquiry brought me to tears.

“Since I love purple, I have been thinking.  Someday, I am going to have a little girl of my own.  Could we save this afghan for her?”

The snuggled up view.

The snuggled up view.

With tears streaming down my face, I agreed to that request, knowing in my heart when I meet this future granddaughter I am going to tell her all about her great-great- grandmothers and how amazingly colorful they both were, in the life of girl who needed just a little more purple.

Happy 84th Birthday in Heaven, Nanny! Happy 89th Birthday in Alabama, Mama!

The Year of Crochet

At some Chinese restaurants, you can spend your time while waiting  analyzing which animal and corresponding attributes from the Chinese zodiac (Shēngxiào) align according to your birth year.  Recently, I giggled at myself for creating my own “Year of Crafts” calendar.  No purported benefits have been found, other than self-satisfaction and a methodology to be a gift bearer (0ne of my very favorite things to do).  I have a lifelong goal of learning a new skill each year.  My list of goals includes other non-creative endeavors, but thus far, my attention has been focused on crafts.  My concerted efforts to this end began at our family goals and dreams meeting on New Year’s 2007.

Each year after watching the final sunset of the year, we put to pen and paper (or sometimes other mediums), a list of our dreams for that year.  In my recollections, this is the first time that I audibly announced that I was going to try to learn a new skill annually.

2007 – The Year of Knitting

2008 – The Year of Quilting

2009 – The Year of the Digital Canvas (wall art)

2010 – The Year of Digital Storybook

2011 – The Year of Machine Embroidery

2012 – The Year of Crochet

My bemusement arose when I realized that each year most of my gifts had something to do with the new skill at hand, (pun intended this time). I love creating things with my hands, especially when it is meant to be a gift.  With each stitch or mouse stroke, I think about the person who will be the final recipient from my heart and my hands.

So it was with the Year of  Crochet (which may be special enough to warrant a repeat performance on the “Year of Crafts” cycle).  I began a project back in October during some free time with full intention of blessing the newest upcoming arrival to our family tree.  Of course, when I began the project she was still being knit together in her momma’s womb (Psalm 139:13).

Since I had never crocheted before (other than one really bad attempt to learn during the Year of Knitting), I went to the mecca of teachers (youtube) to learn how to make Granny Squares – those quaint Americana favorites that I have loved my whole life.  I found a teacher that I enjoyed, and she didn’t mind if I had to rewind and play her over and over until I got the technique just right.  I will admit that I never warmed up to her way of wrapping yarn for tension, but I think my improvised method worked for me. (The link to the first in a series of videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79zZJjXRfSM)

I chose my colors (an aqua reminiscent of the beaches of my childhood and a variegated aptly named ocean) and got to work, in the beginning saying my steps aloud so that my fingers would cooperate with my brain.  Once they were in agreement, I “went to town” making squares, at first not having a plan of how many I would ultimately need.  I just made stacks of squares. Stacks of squares. Stacks of squares.

Yarn colors and one of my many stacks of squares

Yarn colors and one of my many stacks of squares

Eventually, I needed a plan and not just stacks of Granny squares everywhere.  I sat down with colored pencils and sketched out what my vision of the final product would be.  That in mind, I now kept track of the number of squares in the two colors I had chosen.  The bag of yarn, hooks, and scissors went with me everywhere – appointments, bleachers for basketball games, and travelling.  As I made each one, I said prayers for the tiny baby that we were all waiting to meet – my first great-niece.  Finally my magic number of squares (99) was reached, and it was time to piece the squares together.  I researched various methods, settling on the one I liked the most.

Piecing together - which was much like quilting

Piecing together – which was much like quilting

 

Then it was time to finish the project. Possessing a thimble-full of knowledge on that topic, I did some research knowing enough to know what I didn’t want for a finished look.  Another blogger came to my rescue, and I found a technique I could do that would allow the blanket to lay nice and flat.  (http://bunnymummy-jacquie.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-to-make-flat-border-for-granny.html) One more trip to the store for a coordinating yarn – a nice lilac –  followed by many practice tries –  and away I went.

Completion of first round of edging.

Completion of first round of edging.

Since the recipient of this blankie was to be a newborn baby, I wanted a super plush edging similar to the ones my own babies had nuzzled into in their early days.  About the time I made this decision, it was D-Day.  (Delivery Day arrived, and this auntie stayed up very late to pray for safe arrivals. Praying love into each and every stitch.)

After a night of prayer, the final touches were done.

After a night of prayer, the final touches were done.

 

Our sweet little girl arrived, and I waited patiently until I could personally deliver my labor of love.  Little L lives just under 450 miles from my house; so, my visit had to be a planned one.  My wait was worth it when I got to see God’s beautiful baby wrapped up in one of my favorite projects from the Year of Crochet!

Little L and her blanket made with love!

Little L and her blanket made with love!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One tough girl

erin and nannyDear Erin –

Today is your big day!  (Not that we could forget since you provide us with exuberant reminders a few hundred times in June.)  But it wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t, because that is you – our vibrant and energetic girl.  I so clearly remember the day we met as your birth story is one that we will never forget.

Grandma, Granpa Junior, and Nanny all drove up to be here; so, we had a house full of love when we left for the hospital that day. Not one to sit around, Granpa organized the boys to help him with setting the footings for the deck; so, if you didn’t know this, the sliding door and deck are the same age as you are.

Most of the day at the hospital was pretty much the same as the boys’ stories – a lot of waiting.  Nanny arrived at the hospital fairly early because she did not want to miss out on being the first to meet you – which was, of course, like her.  At the same time we were at labor and delivery, our family nurse was having surgery.  I overheard her talking in the hallway, and that was my first sign that something was not going quite right.

“This is her third baby. . . this shouldn’t be taking so long. What is going on?”

Neither she nor anyone else knew that I could hear her words, but since everything seemed normal I didn’t worry.  A friend from Daddy’s work asked to be in on the delivery because despite being a three time momma herself, she had never witnessed the miracle of birth.  Her request turned out to be a divine intervention.  When it appeared that it was close to “game time”, we called her to come to the hospital.

This is when things start to change.  Suddenly a nurse comes rushing in and says, “We need to get her on her side NOW!!!”  Looking back, we remembered another nurse quietly slipped into the room and stood silent sentry between our eyesight and the monitors.  The reason:  you no longer had a heartbeat, and they all knew something was terribly wrong.

An oxygen mask, severe pain, and being held by nurses, Daddy, and our friend in a contortionist position, my mind was reeling with what was happening.  Then the words that made the room go quiet were uttered by our normally cool and calm doctor.  (Keep in mind: he and Daddy watched golf during Sawyer’s big entrance into the world)

“Oh dear God, I see the face! The pushing is crushing the baby’s heart.”

While no one said It aloud, the race to save your life was now on.

You entered the world. In one swift motion, the cord was cut and the doctor scooped you up and ran with you.  Someone announced, “It’s a girl.” The wall of nurses surrounding the doctor, keeping what was going on out of our line of sight.

No cry. No gasp of air. No first genteel introductions to our new daughter.

First APGAR: 0

Questions come falling out of my wearied mind and body.  I could see the equipment they are using without being told what they are doing.  Is she breathing? Did she aspirate meconium? What is going on?

Second APGAR: 1

In what felt like eternity, we finally hear you cry.  There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. The tiny girl who we have later learned has the will to push through anything proved in the first ten minutes of life that she was a fighter.  We only held you for a few moments, during which time Nanny was so proud to meet you. That bond between great-grandmother and great-granddaughter was one that never waivered from that moment on.  You were always her special girl.

Our introductions were short lived because you were promptly escorted to respiratory intensive care where you stayed for the next four days.  Grandma, Granpa, and the boys had to first “meet” you through the glass.

It was the scariest moment of our lives.  We didn’t get to hold you, only your hand, because you couldn’t breathe on your own.  We didn’t get to feed you – tubes and machines took the place of our snuggles.  And we played a waiting game to see if your lungs would be able to do it alone,  despite your rough start.

But you showed everyone at Day 4 that you were and forever will be –  one tough cookie.  They decided that you could go home (as long as we didn’t leave town because they were certain that you would have to come back).  You didn’t!

The counseling provided to us said that you might struggle with lots of things – especially reaching developmental milestones and academic learning later on.  Neither of which proved to be true! They just didn’t know what us Stevens are made of – a faith that doesn’t give up and a vocabulary that doesn’t include quit.

You showed that despite all the studies and statistics for going that long without oxygen – you were (and are) extraordinarily awesome!  Having two big brothers, you just never knew you were once a fragile baby, fighting to breathe.  You were their constant shadow, and you would prove time and again that you wanted to be big like them.  Nothing ever stopped you – and we are so glad that God gave us you.

Happy 14th Birthday Erin!  We love you like crazy! Momma

PS – You know how you have on more than one occasion told us that you have Daddy wrapped right around your finger.  It’s true, and I have proof!  On Day 4, when we were able to leave the hospital, a nurse was cutting off all your hospital identifications, and she accidentally sliced your pinky finger with a scissors.  It was the first time that I ever saw your Daddy want to smack someone.  With everything you had been through, it was too much for him. He fumed for days that his precious baby girl’s finger had been cut – every fiber of his being was offended.  That tiny, wounded pinky finger has held him captive ever since.  Good luck to any boy who ever wishes to hold that finger!

18 years of dreams

baby reedDear Reed –

This has been perhaps the most difficult year since you returned to heaven.  That first year was marked with all the absent firsts of losing someone who was so vibrant and alive – all were heartbreaking and each one seemed to be filled with as much anguish as the one before it.  This year my heart has been consumed with the loss of hopes and dreams for someone who held so much promise.  We made it through high school graduation, but the hole in our hearts wasn’t filled because we know the dreams you had for this world.

I have recently been fighting a long bout with a lingering case of bronchitis, and as such, have had many hours to just sit and think.  At some point during these quiet moments, your upcoming birthday came to mind.  I was filled with reminders of how you came into the world (looking like a little old man) and of each birthday that we were fortunate enough to share with you.  All those wonderful parties and the fun we all had!

In the recesses of memories, I recalled the campaign by the American Cancer Society to celebrate one (and hopefully many) more birthdays.  You might think of all the commercials in the world that one popping into my mind would make me sad.   It didn’t.

Instead, I started thinking about the greatest gift we ever gave . . . you.  You were so young, but you displayed mighty courage and wisdom well beyond nine years old telling us that you heart’s desire was to be an organ donor someday.  Knowing your passion made it much easier to make that decision when we were sucked into a vortex of unimaginable pain.

Because of your gift, many people get to celebrate birthdays this year with a better quality of life.  Some have bones that can run races, heart valves that function better, joints that work with less pain, and others have skin that can feel gentle touches.

All of those tiny moments, sometimes taken for granted, are now experienced by someone who might not have had that chance otherwise.  When I think about it, I have to smile at the dreams you helped to make come true.

My sweet red-headed boy, who loved to dream, lives on by making it possible for others to reach for the stars.  I have to believe that even though they will never know you, that a small piece of them now roots for the underdog, loves to laugh, thinks ice cream for supper is the best, and finds grand adventures at every turn.  (It wouldn’t surprise me if they suddenly had a new found love of Star Wars or superheroes.)

It is amazing how hearts can still function, even when they have been broken.  Mine does.  Even in the darkest moments I know that my longing won’t last forever because my heart belongs in heaven with our Big Daddy.  Knowing that you get to see him (and all the others we love) every day does make mine hurt a little less.

Happy 18th Birthday Reed!

Dreaming today that heaven has an amazing celebration for my boy – and hoping that they serve Blizzards for supper.

Loving you forever! Momma

Pidamaya ye Medayto

photo from www.spicercastle.com

photo from www.spicercastle.com

Recently, my husband and I went away over night for our twentieth wedding anniversary.  I wish that I could tell you it was a get-away that had been planned for a long time.  We talked about doing something, but as the day approached we were up to our eyeballs in busy which explain much about how we live life. Our original plans to go camping were thwarted by the rains of recent days.  Our thoughts for Plans B, C, or D trapped in the recesses of our minds while we dealt with day-to-day routines.

The night before, we were researching options ranging from a trip to the city to a simple dinner out.  Somehow,  we stumbled across a memory of the Spicer Castle Inn.  Taking a chance, we placed a call to learn they did have available rooms.  Perusing through the room choices, we delighted in what we saw – rustic charm – our kind of place.  A quick glance at restaurant’s menu confirmed we had found a retreat where we would be fed, watered, and rested.

Upon arrival, my first thought was peace-filled.  Surrounded by trees on the shores of Green Lake, the inn was buzzing with the sounds of nature only.  Gentle breezes swayed the trees.  Barely audible water lapped at the shore.  Bird song abounded. Walking in, we saw many family treasures as the inn is appointed with pieces from the Spicer and Latham families.  The aroma and warmth from the hearth of the fireplace invited us to relax and remove the chill chasing us from the damp air.  Two aptly placed chairs sat on the enclosed porch beckoned us to sit and reflect while having an incredible view to the lake.

We settled into our room to wait for our dinner reservations.  The first thing I noticed was silence. Complete and utter silence – save for the bird calls outside.

The remainder of the trip was the most romantically tranquil experience.  The food wonderful.   The stay serene.  The breakfast delectable.

As much as I enjoyed those things, the conversation with the grandson of the builder, who is now a great-grandfather himself was captivating.  He reminded me so much of our mutually beloved college chemistry professor I wanted to collect all the moments in my bottle of memories and savor them always.  The elder statesman had me spellbound with stories of his childhood, particularly his tales of being a mischievous lad.  We later held private audience with the gentleman, and it was then we realized how desperately needed this respite.  Gentle souls interwoven in one sacred moment.

A line from an old song played in my head:

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone

This is exactly what I have been craving:  the joy of unplugging and being caught in the moment.

No agendas. No noise.  No television. No computer. No children (and we seldom do that).  No requests for our time or talents.  No interruptions.

Divinely present.

Much needed manna from heaven filled my soul as I was able to relish these moments with the love of my life.

This retreat was God’s gift of rejuvenation and relaxation – exactly the desires of our dreams.

 

History lesson (Once a teacher always a teacher!):  Spicer Castle Inn was not the original name of the property.  Built by John Spicer, the retreat and farm was named Medayto Cottage for the Dakota name Medayto, representing Green Lake.  After doing some research, I located the female version of Thank You (Pidamaya ye)  in the Dakota language – a beautiful oral language handed down by generation to generation.  I can only imagine the beauty the Dakota people found in the Green Lake/Spicer area all those years ago.

 

 

The perfect graduation party

I love to plan parties.  Big or small, I adore them.  Sometimes I get excited over a giant squash grown in our garden, and that alone is a good enough reason to host a party.  I will say that if I had more hours in a day, one of the many businesses I would love to own is party planning one.  Recently, we had a graduation party – well, with one obvious hitch – the graduate would be celebrating in heaven.

We had planned ahead, found the perfect day and sent save the date cards to Reed’s best friends from his class, his cousins, and his favorite teachers.  Originally we had planned a Star Wars Day (May the 4th) gathering, with hopes that the force would be with us. Fingers crossed that Reed’s beloved Minnesota Twins would have a home game.  What’s not to love about merging two of his favorites with all his favorite people!

Apparently the Sith scheduler didn’t check with us as our desired date was for an away game in Ohio.  THAT party was a little out the budget.  Once the game schedule was out, we soon realized that we needed a Plan B. Sadly no light sabers could be used for bats in this one.

We decided to move the party ahead three weeks.  New invitations, lots of correspondence with the Twins organization, phone calls to the rental bus company, and other preparations were in high gear.

Finally, the week came.  This year Minnesota’s weather is getting on my last nerve.  Right before our trip, we had blizzard-like conditions in April. Knowing my tendency to fret, one of Reed’s favorite teachers stopped me and said, “You know it might be cold on Saturday, but we will be warm in our hearts thinking of Reed.”  Everyone needs friends like this, and I am blessed to have them!

Her words completely changed my perspective.  I was so worried a forecasted high in the 30’s meant we would freeze at an outdoor baseball game, and our guests wouldn’t have a good time.  She also reminded me that Reed would have never been daunted by this weather.  He would have just loved being able to go to the ball park.  Truer words were never spoken.  My little ray of sunshine would have told us to just bundle up.

The big day arrived.  I would love to tell you I didn’t fret, but I really wanted the day to be perfect for all of us. After picking up the rental mini-buses, we gathered our family and away we went to collect the rest of the party goers.  We christened each bus with a name: Faith and Love.

Always a teacher, I explained other than a collective love for Reed, it was our faith and love that held this group together.  Even if we had differences among us, TODAY we were going to show the world how faith and love conquer everything.  After the pep talk, we grasped hands, surrounding the flagpole like Reed organized years ago, and prayed for our safety and for us all to do the red-headed Boy Wonder proud.

The trip up was amazing, filled with swapped stories – a family reunion of sorts on wheels.  After a fun trip on the light rail, we arrived at the Twins stadium – all twenty-five of us.  We had great seats – which fortunately turned out to be right next to the built-in heaters.  Just in case, we were bundled from head to toe, looking like the little brother in The Christmas Story movie.

We laughed. We cheered. We ate ball park food, but mostly, we all remembered the boy who brought us all together.  We were an eclectic mix of excitement with a touch of sorrow when upon the megatron appeared: WELCOME REED STEVENS FRIENDS AND FAMILY.  Of all of us, he would have been the most proud of having his name shining brightly for the world to see.

But wasn’t that the point of the day? For those who loved him to carry his spark and light to the rest of the world.  On that day, I sincerely believe we let our little lights shine bright enough that we never felt the cold. Reed’s teacher was right; my heart was warmed – surrounded by such love.

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Despite the cold weather, the Twins losing the game, and all the frenetic planning, my perfect day wasn’t elusive after all.  It was right there . . . in the middle of all that love for one young man who brought us all together.

Faith and love: I’m pretty sure we did Jesus and Reed proud at the “perfect” graduation party.

Could I have this dance?

Email001When I woke up twenty years ago, it was to a congratulatory call from my Aunt Nernie.  What she couldn’t see was an episode of four in the bed and the little one said, “Roll over.”  As myself and three bridesmaids, all rolled in unison for the phone to be passed down the line to eventually reach me.  The night before had been filled with rehearsals (with one absent-for-a-moment dad due to an emergency room visit), my father-in-law charming my mother, a semi-truck full of potato chips (long story), a personal shower, and much later learning to line dance in a friend’s house.  All in all: a pretty eventful evening.

After rolling out of bed, I discovered there was actually snow on the ground. Thankfully, I earlier changed my mind on the outdoor wedding my heart was set on.  I drove by the church to see sweet little men and women from the church were there early cleaning snow off the carpeted steps with a wet/dry vac.

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The next few hours were a blur as I remember very little until . . . the moment I almost didn’t get married.  I was to meet the cake decorator (our original baker backed out on us at the last minute) at the hall for payment and set-up.  When she opened the box upon the hallowed spot, my jaw dropped.  It was quite possibly the ugliest pile of sugar confectionary I had ever laid eyes on.  I complained and got a pat answer of, “When you use fruit, it bleeds.   You should know that.”  Needless to say, I didn’t know THAT, and didn’t want THAT cake.  I proceeded to my parents house (where earlier in the week they had hosted a movie night for all of the girls in the wedding party featuring Father of the Bride and where many of our relatives had travelled to stay.)  The house was full of people having sandwiches with tomatoes sliced so thin by my Aunt Patty that you would have thought we were hosting a Ginzu commercial (not a wedding) while my Nanny was busy embellishing with flourish pew bows.  I came into the house of crazy and plopped on the floor, tears streaming down, announcing, “I cannot get married today.”

My parents were concerned but kept going with preparations.  My Grandaddy who always hated to see me cry was comforting me saying, “Oh Baby, please don’t cry.  You will make your pretty eyes swell.”  But the man who saved the day was my Uncle Rendell who asked my mother if she had a BIG knife.  The whole room stopped as my perplexed mother obligingly got him said knife.  He then said, “C’mon girl.  We are having a wedding today.  I came all this way from Georgia (to North Dakota).” I protested that my honor had been defiled by the ugliness of that cake, and I wasn’t getting married with that thing present.  “That’s what this here knife is for. We are going to go cut that ol’ ugly cake up and no one will ever see it.”  I have always loved my uncle, but never had I loved him more than at that one moment.  He made me laugh – the day was saved.

I later learned that at the same time I was having my moment my husband-to-be was pacing back and forth so badly his family thought he would wear out his rental shoes.

Again another big whirlwind of blur – getting my hair, nails, and makeup done, getting pictures before the service, and then it was time for the day I had dreamt about since I was a little girl.  My brother and I sang before the processional, and I remember one lady (a date of my husband’s college roommate) complaining that the church was too full as she entered the balcony.  I politely told her once I was done singing she could have my spot because I had a date with that gorgeous young man down front.  (We never invited her to anything again because we love full!)

Then came the poetic notes of Canon in D, and we proceeded forward.  There were lots of special moments in the service too – looking out and seeing that people were actually standing outside (it did get warmer) watching, the room filled with loved ones from both our families, our nephew falling asleep before it was over, and many,  many more.  But my favorite service moment was when the sweet Catholic priest embraced my Baptist heritage by asking all in attendance to say a hearty “AMEN!” to each of the points of the final blessing.  It was beautiful – two dichotomously different families blending into one.  The harmonious reply illuminated how loved we were (and are) by all present.

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As we entered the limo to take us to the hall, we leaned over to kiss only to discover that seated between us was my nine-year-old sister (who was my maid of honor).  I will admit that almost fifteen years later I snuck into her limo to repay her the favor.

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The dinner and dance were magical as two families blended together for one incredible party. I still remember memorable greetings from the reception line.   The food was down home and simple which is just how I wanted it.  Apparently, no one noticed or our guests too genteel  to mention the cake. I danced with my husband to Anne Murray’s Could I have this dance?, and I melted into his arms as we swayed around the dance floor.  Then I danced with my Dad, my Granddaddy, my Uncle Rendell, and my Uncle Buddy (who later paid an exorbitant amount to win my garter).  Magical moments I will never forget as all five of those men are ones I have always adored.

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Next to those dances, my favorite moment of the evening was being serenaded by a group of people led by my Uncle Buddy to the Louisiana written tune “You are my sunshine” which was fitting because he is from that great state.   We finally obliged the crowd with a kiss when the word, “love” was sung.  The entire evening was enchanting.

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As wonderful as that evening was, nothing could have prepared us for hard work, trials, and joys that really describe our marriage.  All of the time and energy that went into that wedding paled in comparison to the time we spent in preparation with God for our big day.  In fact, it went back eighteen months prior when on our first date we talked about God and faith, eventually sharing what we hoped we would find someday for a marriage and later raising a family.  We just didn’t know at the time the person who would be a part of that dream was the one seated across from the other.

Twenty years is almost half of my life.  Not all of those years were good, but we persevered and stuck together.  Our faith holding us together when at times we both felt like that cake.  Thankfully, we always knew that God saw us as beautiful even when we couldn’t see it ourselves.  Over the years that third cord has bound us together and held us up when we needed Him the most.

Twenty years: seven children, the best dog in the world, a few great cats over the years,  (a turtle, lizard, newts, frogs, pigeons,  and anything else I drug home and loved), more friends than we can count stars in the skies, some incredible memories, tears shed both in suffering and in laughter (the first of which being when the detachable train fell off my dress walking up and a little old lady chased me down to re-attach it), two college and two Master’s degrees, a house that is truly a home, amazing vacations, a shared passion of gardening, good food, and nature.

Twenty years: to finishing each other’s sentences, to thinking the same thing much of the time, a shared love of ridiculous humor, a combined joy of raising fantastic kids, a combined sorrow of saying goodbye too soon to four of them, and a best friend whom you cannot imagine life without.

So glad the dance continues with him . . . including homemade cards, family plays in the backyard, butterfly kisses, Blizzards for supper, snuggling in the bleachers, serving our God together, and all of life’s blessings.

Not a single day spent without prayer – thanking God for all of his blessings – especially each other.

sweet grace newsletter

Wow!  I knew working for God had its fair share of challenges.  What I didn’t know was just how much I had to learn! I possess about a thimble full of knowledge on technology.  Patience is not always my strong suit, and it shows while I have been sitting on my news for quite a few weeks – while hinting at it in a blog or two.  Today, I am ready to announce that sweet grace ministries is on its baby steps to becoming a real part of my life as well as the life  of my friend, ministry partner, and sister in Christ.  We have prayed for a long time, and now, we are putting in the sweat equity (too bad that wasn’t sweet equity because that would have been awesome) to put the hands and feet and ideas (which we have A LOT) to what God has called us to do.

The plan is to provide uplifting talks whether that be small events or whole weekend retreats.  The heart of our ministry is  Real Women~Real Lives~Sweet Grace where we would have the opportunity to share God’s love and grace with everyone by focusing on women.  There really is truth to the old saying, “If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.”

Using our lives’ stories to give back and invest in women, we are hoping that we are small pebbles in God’s pond.  The blessings that we hope to offer can have a rippling effect long after we have shared.  We can also be found at Twitter @RealSweetGrace.

Please check out the link to our new magazine newsletter and I hope to have more similar announcements coming very soon.  Next up: Facebook Page and finishing touches on our website.

http://issuu.com/sweetgrace/docs/magazine_sweet_grace?mode=window

Seeing clearly after the fog

fog

Although he brings sorrow, he also has mercy and great love. Lamentations 3:32

This morning I started my day as usual with devotions.  Technology was not my friend as my Bible app would not open.  Not to be deterred, I grabbed my Devotional Bible – edited by Max Lucado – from my nightstand.  As I was heading to Ezekiel, my trusty book fell open to Lamentations.  Not just anywhere in Lamentations – nope – at a page that I had dog-eared and worn.  The highlighted words were a mirror reflection of where I was at last week – in a fog.

Thankfully, I had friends and family members praying for me and guiding me through what was quite possibly the hardest day of my life since the bus crash.  I did make it through, and miraculously with God’s help the fog lifted almost immediately.

I don’t believe in coincidences.  I needed that reminder this morning that God was not absent last week, nor was He when my son died.

I’m a prayer vigil person.  If I cannot sleep, it is usually because God has someone in mind that I should be praying for.  Last night was no different.  I have several friends, their kids, and communities facing a fog of their own.  So, I prayed . . .

While I personally cannot do much other than that to help ease the storm for each of them right now, I can remind them that there is one who can lift the fog.  My life story is a testament to that fact. Cling to him and He will guide you to new found peace.

The devotional below is from “No Wonder They Call Him the Savior” by Max Lucado.

The fog of the broken heart.

It’s a dark fog that slyly imprisons the soul and refuses easy escape.  It’s a silent mist that eclipses the sun and beckons the darkness.  It’s a heavy cloud that honors no hour and respects no person. Depression, discouragement, disappointment, doubt . . . all are companions of this dreaded presence.

The fog the broken heart disorients our life.  It makes it hard to see the road.  Dim your lights.  Wipe off the windshield.  Slow down.  Do what you wish, nothing helps.  When this fog encircles us, our vision is blocked and tomorrow is a forever away.  When this billowy blackness envelops, the most earnest words of help and hope are but vacant phrases.

If you have ever been betrayed by a friend, you know what I mean. If you have ever been dumped by a spouse or abandoned by a parent, you have seen this fog.  If you have ever placed a spade of dirt on a loved one’s casket or kept vigil at a dear one’s beside, you, too, recognize this cloud.

If you have been in this fog, or are in it now, you can be sure of one thing – you are not alone.  Even the saltiest of sea captains have their bearings because of the appearance of this unwanted cloud.  . .

Think back over the last two or three months.  How many broken hearts did you encounter? How many wounded spirits did you witness? How many stories of tragedy did you read about? . . .

The list goes on and on, doesn’t it?  Foggy tragedies. How they blind our vision and destroy our dreams.  Forget any great hopes of reaching the world.  Forget any plans of changing society. Forget any aspirations of moving mountains. Forget all that. Just help me make it through the night!

The suffering of the broken heart . . .

Seeing God . . .does wonders for our own suffering.  God was never more human than at this hour.  God was never nearer to us than when he hurt.  The Incarnation was never so fulfilled as in the garden. 

As a result, time spent in the fog of pain could be the God’s greatest gift.  It could be the hour that we finally see our Maker . . . Maybe in our suffering we can see God like never before.

The next time you are called to suffer, pay attention.  It may the closest you ever get to God.  Watch closely.  It could very well be that the hand that extends itself to lead you out of the fog is a pierced one. 

I know the story behind this song, but sometimes I believe that it was written just for me.  I think music is often a reflection of my soul and story.

Things I have never regretted

beachCertain events in life, milestones if you will, really cause me to pause and reflect on my life.  The obvious life pondering moments are births, deaths, marriages, and graduations. I endured the most painful of the latter on Friday, but I did survive!  I wouldn’t go so far as to say thrived, but I made it through with the love and prayers of many.

I started thinking in terms of a commencement note to my son (who I can only imagine had the most amazing ceremony in heaven).  The type of advice that one lover of learning would pass on to another.  Rather than a long-winded speech, it came out more like bullet points which I condensed into a list.

To my children – You are about to embark on the next step on your journey through life.  God has given you gifts and talents.  As your mom I have seen you grow and mature, while navigating difficult waters.  As an educator, I have seen you amaze me with the ways you tackle problems and the new and innovative ways you look at world.  I wanted to share with you that educating a person and educating a soul are two extremely different things at times and are symbiotic at others.  I have comprised a list of things that looking back now (hindsight is always ocularly clear) really did matter, and I am glad that I did them.

Twenty-five things, however small some may be, that I have never regretted.

  1. Following Jesus is simply the best decision I could make.  We as humans make this a lot more complicated than needs be.  Get to know him on your terms and follow his example, you will never go wrong.
  2. Sticking with a marriage isn’t easy.  Often it is thankless work, but it IS work that is worthwhile.
  3. Having each of you. Even if I knew then what I know now about your story, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
  4. Finding a career that you love.  I don’t care what anyone says making a difference is better than making money.
  5. Giving all my effort to my education.  I didn’t like every class or teacher, but taking required classes made me a better person by pushing me to see there was more to the world than what I had thought before.  Along with this, ignore people who tell you don’t take that professor because he or she is difficult.  Pick those people every time.  Trust me, it will change your life.
  6. Thanking those teachers who made a difference in my life.  Most of my teachers and professors have passed away, but I will never forget their faces when I went back to personally thank them.  When someone changes your life for the good, take the time to thank them.
  7. Taking care of me.  It took me a lot of years to recognize that I needed to do some things that made me happy to be a better mom to you.
  8. Investing in the people I love.  I disagree with the notion that three words can be overused. The world needs a whole lot more “I love you’s.”
  9. Reading the Bible cover to cover.  There are a lot of approaches to doing this.  Beginning to end worked for me, but whatever method you choose, just do it.  The words on those pages are the closest I have ever found to an instructional booklet for life.
  10.  Serving others.  I like being a worker bee.  Of course, one of you called me a queen bee on occasion, but the truth is serving others has been the key to helping me heal from more than one of life’s hurts.
  11. Learning to live without fear.  Most of my first thirty-five years were spent pleasing others in some form or fashion because I was afraid of letting someone somewhere down.  Once I let that go, I became a much better person.
  12. Loving to learn.  When I turned thirty-six, I decided to tackle a new skill each year.  As you well know most of those new skills resulted in gifts for others, but I have loved seeing the work of my hands bring smiles to many.
  13. Honoring traditions.  Sometimes that may be something small like chocolate chip cookies and homemade cocoa on the first day of snow, but those traditions became the fabric of our family’s story.
  14. Acknowledging the sacrifices made by others. Even despite our worst moments, we have never gone hungry, cold, or homeless.  Many of the freedoms we have are because someone else’s loved one paid the ultimate price.  Never forget freedom isn’t free.
  15. Giving back.  Serving others is closely related to this, but remember all the gifts God has bestowed on us.  Give of your resources (not just your time and energy) to help others.  Don’t let money become an idol, and make purposeful decisions regarding your income, for now and in the future.
  16. Planting a garden.  There is a lot of wisdom in our favorite campfire song.  Tending to the earth (especially on your hands and knees) is a great way to learn about faith, hard work, and God’s creation.  Plus, being able to honestly say that your hard work fed your family is rewarding.
  17. Having a childlike faith. Few things in life will ever compare to sleeping in a tent in the backyard, running through the sprinkler, drinking from the garden hose, dancing in the rain, or making a snow angel.  I don’t care how old you get:  do something that you loved as a kid.  You will be better for it. Also, don’t be afraid to dance with the mop, serenade the fruit (Oh My Darlin’ Clementine), or just let your silly out.  The world is a better place because I do it.
  18. Singing out loud.  Even if you feel you aren’t a good singer, make a joyful noise.  Music will restore your soul when you lose your way.  God can always be found in the music of life.
  19. Fighting to keep your childhood sacred.  We made decisions you didn’t like, simply because we believe childhood is becoming extinct in this country.  For example, you didn’t shrivel up and wither because we went most of your childhood without cable. Someday when you have children, you will hopefully understand our choices.
  20. Laughing at myself.  I will never run out of material as daily, I make mistakes, and the ability to  laugh at yourself is therapeutic.
  21. Forgiving.  This is something that is a lifelong lesson.  Once you begin, it quite literally becomes a habit.  God calls us to do it, but that doesn’t make it easier.  It does however often make you a better you.
  22. Getting rid of stuff.  I cannot think of one piece of clutter in my life that I have regretted giving away.  Don’t fall into the trap of letting your stuff run your life.
  23. Devouring a great book.  As much as I love a good movie, I have never found a movie better than a book – EVER.  Next to knowing Jesus, the second best gift we ever gave you was the love of reading.
  24. Being comfortable in my own skin.  It took a lot of years for me to find my own style (literally and figuratively).  At some point I stopped caring what others thought was beautiful , and I realized the woman looking back in the mirror was it.  I stopped looking at myself through the lens of others expectations, and I realized that God sees all his children as beautiful. Along with this, I have never owned a scale. A number doesn’t define who am I – period.
  25. Enjoying the moment.  Sometimes, the gentle breeze of the wind, the song of the bird, the laughter of a child, the nudge from a dog’s nose, or the tickle of the ocean wave is God’s invitation to slow down.  Take that advice because the cleaning and the to-do list will always be there after the moment passes, but the moment may never come back.

If I thought about it for longer, I am certain there are many more things that could and should be added to the list.  However, knowing when to stop is also something that requires some finesse.  Know I am proud of you all, and I hope that you, too, can add to the legacy of living without regret.