A letter to my little girl

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Dear Savannah Kate:

Hey Katydid!  It has been a while since I had a chance to write specifically to you.  Just because I don’t write or talk about you, Timothy, and Noah as much as Reed, Sawyer, Erin or Cloie doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  In fact, there are some days that I just plain miss the things that I never got to experience with the babies I carried, but did not hold.

I wanted to write to you because this past weekend I missed you so much that my heart literally ached.  Your oldest cousin, Derek, got married to the love of his life, Jeannette.  When it was time for family pictures, one was taken with the cousins, I had to step away.  Daddy saw me sobbing, and he didn’t have to ask.  He just knew that it was because in my imagination I could picture all seven of my children posing (okay, most likely hamming it up) in that picture.

Katydid, your twin sister was the flower girl.  She looked adorable in her dress, but it was her bouncing curls that had me mesmerized.  I often wonder how similar the two of you would be.  Does your hair curl just like hers? Or do you have red curls like your namesake while Cloie has dark curls like hers? Do you love superheroes and fighting evil villains just like she does?  Would you giggle the same or be as mischievous?  Do you sing as beautifully?  (On that last one, I use my dreams to believe you sparkle and shine in the heavenly chorus.) 

At the wedding reception and dance, the broken places in my heart received some patching as all of us in Daddy’s family pitched in to work, but more importantly to love together.  Simply put, we had fun. Once the dance started, I had to stifle my giggles watching those bouncy curls as Cloie spun, twirled, and shimmied. The best was the ballroom dancing that she and Kimberly performed complete with big finishes at the end of the song.  All the while those curls bounced, I kept thinking what the two of you would be like together.

I don’t really care what other people say because I genuinely miss you.  Tonight is the night that we get to remember you and the boys.  Last year, I asked the other kids if they enjoy going to the October 15th candlelight remembrance or if it was a chore to them.  Their response made me cry.  Not only because it was sweet and humble, but more so that they “got it”.  Their unified response was summed up by Sawyer.  “Mom, we all have birthdays and other special holidays just for us kids.  This is the one day a year that we have special for Noah, Tim, and Savannah; so, no it isn’t a chore, but more so an honor to remember our siblings this day each year.”

So tonight, Katydid, for the annual October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Candlelight Remembrance we will be lighting candles in memory of you three babies.  Even though we never met you, you and the boys made a difference in this world . . . even if that difference was to change our hearts so that we could help others.

I love you always, sweet girl, and someday in Heaven, I can’t wait to hold you.

Love, Momma

Note: For more information on today, please visit www.october15th.com

My family and I will be remembering at a special service hosted annually at our church.  Please contact me, if you would like more information.

3 Things: 10/8/12

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I needed a week long to recover from Reed’s Run.  I have a series of blogs that will be coming in the next few days sharing special memories from that weekend, but I have missed writing about things that I enjoy.  So now that Reed’s Run has come to a close, I am ready to share my weekly list of things that make me smile.

  1. Surprises – I had a big one at Reed’s Run which I will be sharing in a later blog, and I had one this summer.  On our return trip home from Florida our first night’s stop was actually at my grandmother’s house in Alabama.  When we arrived, there was a car in the driveway that I didn’t recognize.  If you grew up in the South, you know to read the license plates because it will tell you not only the state from which the car hails but also the county, designated by words or by a code number.  In this case, the car was from Fulton County, Georgia.  I knew in a heartbeat that could only mean one thing . . . my Uncle Rendell and my Aunt Margaret.  Knowing that my aunt was extremely ill with Stage 4 cancer, their presence was a gift incredible!  To know that I was loved that much to make a couple hour trip brought me to tears.  We had such a lovely visit catching up and seeing how my kids and their grandkids had grown.  It would be our last conversation because my aunt went home to Jesus at the beginning of September.  Even though it was our last visit here, she is just one of the many necks that I cannot wait to hug in heaven. Surprises that become cherished memories DEFINITELY make me smile.
  2. Impromptu Family/Friends Gatherings – The night before Reed’s Run we had an impromptu bonfire and birthday celebration for our September birthdays following the Lakeview football game.  We had a goofy sing-along naming off a bunch of names of ninth month celebrants followed by roasting s’mores in place of serving birthday cake.  The giggles and story-swapping only got better as the fire died down.  Sawyer had a great time meeting his “God-brother” for the first time and helping him to roast a marshmallow.  It wasn’t fancy nor was it gourmet – although we turned a few heads by following a Team Stevens time-honored tradition of using Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead of Hershey’s bars.  Even though the gathering lacked refinement, it definitely exuded magic.  The magic of life.  The magic of reconnecting.  The magic of celebrating.  The magic of the ordinary and the extraordinary thing called love.  That kind of magic will always make me smile.
  3. Amazing Friends – The week before Reed’s Run, I received a phone call from a dear friend who told me that she was praying for my Sunday.  It was a good thing that it was not a Skype conversation.  I stood mouth-apage with eyebrows raised in perplexity.  “Did she really think that the Run was Sunday?”  My silent indignation must have been perceivable through the phone line.  My friend further explained that she knew that Reed’s Run was probably the closest thing to a wedding that we would ever have for Reed.  She had been praying for me not to wake-up on Sunday and say disappointedly, “We went to all that work for that!”  I understood that sentiment of disappointment. She wanted us to wake up blessed and amazed.  (We did.) More importantly, this sweet lady wanted us to know that people were praying – even for things that we didn’t know.  Having friends that know your needs even before you know them is smile-worthy.

Feeling loved.  Being surprised, even when I knew I was  saying good-bye.  Having second mile friends.  Celebrating the little stuff.  All of it confirms something that I heard on the radio the other day.

The speaker said that we should all have “campaign signs” in our front yards that said that “God voted for me!”  My last few weeks have been a secure confirmation that the speaker spoke the truth!

Blessed and loved . . . and still smiling!

 

1 day to go: “Pray”-paring

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We love birds in our family; so much so that we raise homing pigeons.  They are amazing birds with incredible speed and gentleness.  The birds serve as FFA and 4-H projects, a business for our kids, and just plain enjoyment.  Business with pigeons? You might ask with a skeptical look.  Well, the white birds are used for releases for weddings, funerals, and other special events.  (A little known “trade secret” – doves are not used in dove releases.  White pigeons are used for ethical reasons, mainly because they know how to make it home.)

When the kids have a job, we perform practice releases the week before to give the birds (okay really ourselves) the reassurance that they know the way.  Pigeons are really smart birds, and they don’t really need this step.  But we love doing the releases.  I can drive highway speeds back to our house, and those birds beat me back.  So they are also incredibly fast flyers.

Recently, we did a very special release at a benefit for a dear friend.  We did a final practice run the day before the event.  My gut told me that something was wrong.  Incredibly wrong.  When I arrived home, the birds were not there.  One hour later, no birds.  Three hours later, no birds. Oh no, this release is so important!  What in the world should we do?  I did what any momma would do in this predicament.  I hit my knees.  I knew that God knew where those birds were, and I knew that His word says that if He cares for the birds, why would he not care for my kids (and their birds).

In reality, I knew that God was the only One who could grant my children success.  They had done all the proper things with husbandry of pigeons.  They had cared, fed, nurtured, watered, bathed, vaccinated, and trained those birds.  There was nothing left that they could humanly do.  Seven hours later after much prayer and hand-wringing, most of the birds made it home.  We just had to place them in God’s hands and know that they would be safe there.

The same can be said of Reed’s Run.  I think we have checked and triple-checked the list. Honestly, our living room has been Command Central for months now.  We have prayed, planned, prayed some more, checked lists, wrote letters, mailed postcards, ordered supplies, updated websites, and prayed again.  But in the end, we rely on God’s faithfulness to make this last Reed’s Run a success.

Stealing one from my cousin-in-law and sister in Christ, all my “pray”-paring hinges on my belief that God will grant us our heart’s desire.  Just like Nehemiah, I humbly ask “Give your servant success today.”  (1:11 NIV)

Please join us in a day of prayer that God grants us our heart’s desire for a successful run and for the opportunity to share His love with others. If God is for us, then nothing else really matters!

2 days to go: Another great giggle

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Auction Item donated from Garvin Nursery

If you have been following the blogs for the countdown to Reed’s Run, then you probably joined me in some giggles on 24 days to go: Where are they now? http://kandynolesstevens.com/2012/09/06/24-days-to-go-where-are-they-now/

In that blog I shared about my sense of humor when it comes to quirky auction items.  I haven’t heard from “Bullhorns” but “Chainsaw Beaver” is alive and well, settled into his new home with some Boy Scouts.  Sunday, we were treated to lunch at the Pizza Ranch, and I almost sprayed my Coke across the table when I looked up and saw – you guessed it – bullhorns above the table.  It wasn’t THE “Bullhorns”, but it did make me giggle.

Along with “Neon Sign”, we have a very unique and beautiful donation this year from the Garvin Nursery.  The donation was 5 evergreen trees, ready to be planted at someone’s home, business, or wherever they so desire.  I will interject that I did discover that Huck, Andy, Lulu, and Hiccup (all canines) had been writing another blog regarding these trees. http://kandynolesstevens.com/2012/09/03/27-days-to-go-who-let-the-dogs-out/ I will state that their writing will NEVER see the light of day.  The content was offensive to my sensibilities . . . as it was somewhere akin to “A Tree Stands in Brooklyn” humor from Looney Tunes.

Anyways, the 5 evergreens currently stand proudly on my front deck.  Their placement has risen more than a few eyebrows of friends as they have come over recently.  So much so, that I began to refer to them in song as in the 12 Days of Christmas, but instead of “5 golden rings”, I belt out, “5 Evergreens”!

Of course as with any good joke in this family, we couldn’t leave well enough alone.  Just like my love of animal prints and bling-y accessories, we had to embellish the “5 Evergreens” with an entire song about Reed’s Run.  If only we hadn’t run out of time, we could have made a music video.  Instead of a music video, perhaps our “Huck-y saves the Day” commercial will have to suffice.

Either way, we hope you enjoy our song lyrics and our commercial.  Trust us, we had more than a few chuckles ourselves.  You never know what we will come up with next!

12 Months of Reed’s Run

12 – American flags placed by veterans

11 – Cases of refreshing water

10 – Intense months of planning

9 – Different activities to choose from

8 – Great lives remembered

7 – Classmates of Reed’s on the team

6 – hundred amazing auction items

5 – EVERGREENS!

4 – Big, giant bouncies

3 – Walks or runs

2 – Exhausted parents and

1 – Great family event for all!

 

3 days to go: A new way to Worship

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Earlier this year, I spoke at a church in Excelsior.  It was a great experience, but when I walked into the smaller sanctuary for one of the other speakers, I stopped in my tracks.  I could hear the sounds of the speaker and other sounds at a typical women’s conference.  But, I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t speak.  I was in awe of a painting hanging in the room.  The painting was a graphic depiction of Jesus’ face.  I was drawn to it. His face was gorgeous, with eyes a piercing, penetrating blue.  I was in love that face.

At the end of the day after the long trip home, I immediately went to the computer and searched.  I found the painting and the artist in less than 20 minutes.  I learned the work was made in what is known as performance art. While looking through the website, I noticed a link for events.  Is he serious?  Was there really a chance that I could see this painting made?  I was nervously excited because we had been searching for something really big to end Reed’s Run.  Maybe, just maybe, this guy would be it.

I immediately filled out the contact sheet. I shared about Reed and his run and what I was hoping for.   I didn’t think I would hear back, because there was a disclaimer that said that Mike was really behind schedule and to be patient.  I almost drove off the road the next day when I got a call from a number I didn’t know.  It was Mike with a note from his wife that said, “CALL this lady!”

As we visited, Mike loved the idea of coming to Marshall for the last Reed’s Run.  We hold a similar belief that the gospel can be shared in lots of cool ways.  There was only one problem.  As an official painter for Women of Faith, he was already booked.  It was a great conversation, and we ended with if something changed for either of us, we would get back in touch.  I understood, but I was definitely disappointed.

On to the next big idea for Reed’s Run. Our family mulled over several less-appealing options until . . . I got a phone call.  “Kandy, I don’t really believe this, but it seems like the weekend that you are having Reed’s Run some things have changed at the Women of Faith event.  This has never happened, but they aren’t going to need me that weekend.”

This time, I did have to pull over, and I cried.  I cried on the phone. I cried when I shared what I think happened.  I cried after I hung up.  I even cried for quite a while afterward.

In my heart, I wanted something amazing for ending the Run.  I wanted something that people would remember forever.  I wanted something that blended the things that Reed loved in a way that reached people just the way Reed did in life.

I won’t know for sure until I get to heaven, but I wholeheartedly believe that one sweet little red-head has some connections in high, holy places.

Note: Mike Lewis, aka The Jesus Painter, will perform live at 7:00 pm on Saturday at Reed’s Run.  His work has been called the sermon without words. It is a unique way to worship.  Mike’s works will be available at an auction following the performance.  The event is free, and all are invited to attend.  It is strongly suggested that you bring your own chair and possibly a blanket. After watching Mike perform Reed’s Run, you will want to show his work to your friends and family. Thankfully, there is a second opportunity to see him perform the next day Sunday, Sept. 30 at 10:15 am at Christ Lutheran Church in Cottonwood. Come and be blessed at both events.

4 days to go: A place where fun still lives

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Early in the first days of grief, I made 2 choices.  Tough, gut-wrenching, deliberate, and much-needed choices.  One choice was to not allow grief be the theme of our house.  We know families where loss has created a darkness in the home that never really allows the light of life to penetrate.  We didn’t want to live in that house.

BC – Before crash, we were the family that:

  • had impromptu dance parties while cleaning the house.
  • got led by pixies in the forest and even got lost in that forest in the dark.
  • drove to Dairy Queen in our pajamas.
  • had sleepovers on the basement floor after family movie night.
  • put paper plates with drops of food coloring on the driveway in rainstorms to create masterpieces.
  • sang to citrus fruit, “Oh my darling, Clementine.”
  • prayed and sang and read together each night.
  • laughed so hard we cried.
  • had an open door policy for any child, pet or wayward friend.
  • made silly home movies.

We were always the family that people called in a pinch for a back-up babysitter or afternoon play-date. Our freezer was never without popsicles, pizzas, or ice cream.  There was always an extra toothbrush, blanket, or swimsuit.

As we sat in the hospital learning more and more about Sawyer’s injuries.  I made a willful choice to not allow our house to be surrounded in sadness.  We would grieve, but we would not give up.  Oh, I wanted to do that.  I wanted to dig a hole and crawl in it.  But if I did that, what would that say about the value of Sawyer, Erin, or Cloie?

Our beginnings were baby steps.  We created a nerf gun fun house while Sawyer was still wheelchair bound.  We threw our Easter egg dye all over a white sheet in the backyard; thus creating a hilarious masterpiece.  Eventually, we invited friends back over for movie nights, and we laughed and giggled again.  The BC list of fun things slowly creeped back into the rhythms of our life.  All, but one that is.  Making movies of our happiness just didn’t happen, because eventually one of us would break into tears.

It took awhile, but eventually, the old camcorder came out from its hibernation. Silly movies happened again that catalogued the current state of zany antics.  That’s exactly what happened last Saturday when we had a passel of kids staying over.

I think that Reed would definitely approve of the silliness in our house – where fun still lives.

5 days to go: The power of a pole

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Photo courtesy of Minnesota Public Radio

Reed was passionate about prayer.  For someone so young, I was amazed at his ability to have conversations (prayer) with God.  When he heard about a national day of prayer led by students, it was game on for him.  What was his first step?  Of course, he asked me and a group of mommas to pray during our weekly prayer time.  We obliged and that got the ripple started.  One momma prayed with other mommas who shared that information with their kids. That was five years and about a week ago.

What transpired next was an avalanche of response.  Thankfully, everyone was in support of the idea. Reed created some posters to hang at school.  He got approval to hang them.  He recruited some of the other kids to be prayer leaders.  He encouraged kids to come and pray.  He challenged his Christian friends to “Be bold and courageous”.

They were.  Our school kids hadn’t organized a See Ya at the Pole event in many, many years.  But through the faith and dog-on-a-bone persistence of one boy, it happened.  In the first year of bringing back the day, there were about 20 Lakeview Lakers joined in unison praying to God about their classmates, teammates, teachers, staff, administrators, and school board.

Reed didn’t dream up the idea of See Ya at the Pole, but he was inspired by it. He didn’t have any real leadership experience because he was only a 7th grader, but he had the faith of a mustard seed.  He realized that kids praying for kids and for the school was a great idea.  To God, I doubt Reed’s lack of credentials made his passion any less credible.

In the years since Reed’s death, the See Ya at the Pole date has continued.  It has been amazing to know the event has flourished at our school.  Reed’s faith stone simply started the ripple.  Friends and siblings have made the ripples grow larger and larger.

So in two days that ripple is going to go nationwide, as the annual See Ya at the Pole Day will be held. If Reed were here, he would say to his fellow Lakers, “Come and pray on Wednesday at 7:30 am. It’s going to rock!”

I am certain that Reed would care less for the days that the flag flew at half-mast for Jesse, Hunter, Emilee, and himself, and he would care a lot more about the days when that same flagpole was surrounded by his peers and siblings standing in faith and love, praying for each other.

6 days to go: To God & My Country

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Those who have attended previous Reed’s Runs know of a special ritual that we have each year.  The ritual is the placing of 12 American flags at the beginning of the race course.  Each flag is placed by a veteran that has a special place in our family or in Reed’s life.  We have had every military skirmish since World War II represented in that flag line.  Military operations, such as Black Hawk Down also known as the Battle of Mogadishu, and Desert Storm as well as Vietnam, Korea, and Iraq/Afghanistan are represented.  Seeing those 12 beautiful flags flying is one of the highlights of the day for this veteran’s wife.

Most do not know the background behind the significance of that simple recognition and placing of those flags.  Twelve flags – one for each year Reed lived – mark the path for the runners for the beginning and the finish of the race course.  The decision to continue this tradition each year has been because of an oath that Reed pledged at Boy Scouts.

The Boy Scout Oath

On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

Reed’s faith is something that has been a core memory at each run, but his love of country is lesser known.  Reed was so proud of his dad, a veteran of Operation Desert Shield and Operation Desert Storm.  He took pride in his dad’s service, and he went out of his way to thank men and women in uniform.  It’s just something we do in this family.  But he took his love a little bit farther than most his age.

He was fully aware of some of the protests throughout our world, and he wasn’t opposed to the right to assemble.  He never minded when groups protested war, but it was a different story when people protested soldiers.  Then it was personal.  Reed was fully aware of the reception his adopted grandpa and football coach received when he returned from Vietnam.  He was equally aware of how much of a sacrifice military personnel make for each of us.  Protesting soldiers simply just made him mad.  We once had to practically sit on him when we accidently drove in the midst of a protest in Mankato and we were jeered because we were in a vehicle with veteran’s plates.  After that moment, Reed simply asked us to avoid any protests because it was too upsetting.

He wanted the whole world to understand that “no greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13 (ISV) He knew that the bench that sits at Lakeview school on the way to the Memory Garden wasn’t there to be pretty.  It represented a real Lakeview Laker. A real soldier. A real man. A real husband. A real son.  The bench is memory of Jason Timmerman.  Reed followed the story in school of how the street in front of the armory in Marshall was to be changed from Armory Drive to Timmerman Drive.  Every day, EVERY DAY, until I was almost exhausted from doing it, Reed begged and pleaded with us to drive by there until that sign was up.  He just had to see it.  When it finally changed, he was PROUD.

It is so easy to take something for granted, especially something as insignificant as a piece of cloth.  Not for those of us who understand that lives have been changed for that piece of cloth.  A whole lot of love and sacrifice and honor and duty are wrapped up in her waving beauty.  In one of his sweetest moments, Reed got down on his knee and explained to his baby sister when she was only 2 years old what a sea of flags represented at Mattke field.  In reality, each flag represented a life lost in the Iraqi war.  But in his own sweet way, he told Cloie that the flags were special because each one of them were about someone who loved her.  I would have to say that he was right.

7 days to go: We’re Back

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When Reed was little, his favorite movie was “We’re Back” – A Dinosaur’s Story.  We watched it almost daily for a while there.  He was enthralled with that movie although the scene when Professor Screw Eyes was taken over by the flock of ravens totally freaked him out.  His best part was how the dinosaurs came back to life because so many children wished for that to happen.  If you remember Reed’s love of dancing, then this next memory will come as no shock.

Reed’s favorite – I MEAN FAVORITE – part of the movie is when the dinosaurs are parading down the New York City street masquerading as one of the balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.  When the gang broke into the song “Roll Back the Clock”, it was all on.  He would jump out of whatever chair he was sitting in and a rousing dance-along would occur with his Jurassic friends.  He couldn’t just dance alone.  No, anyone within the vicinity – family, friends, or neighbors were compelled to stop whatever they were doing and dance along.  For me, many loads of laundry were stopped mid-process to “Stop – Drop-and-Boogie”.  Inevitably though, despite interruption, all dancers went back to what they were doing with a smile on their faces.  Sweet, sweet memories.

Sweet memories were the focus of last weekend’s film fest at our house.  However watching films wasn’t what occupied my kids time a week ago.  Actually this assembled group was in the film-making business.  Well, short films.  Two years ago when left with some idle time, the kiddos dug out the camcorder and made some promotional videos for Reed’s Run 2010.  Think more giggles and shaky filming than professional product. They were homespun but memorable.  Each one was sweet product of the enthusiasm that four kids put into the memory-making of the brother and honorary brother that they love and miss.

So, tonight for the first viewing ever, the red carpet release of the first of 3 promotional videos for this year’s run our loveable bunch of goofballs put together.  We don’t think that you will be compelled to dance, but we do think you will enjoy Reed’s second favorite past-time – laughing!

Lovers of goofball videos – We’re Back!

8 days to go: We’ve got spirit

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We are Lakers!
Photo borrowed from my friend, Cathie Bueltel

This year has seen a return to Laker football something that has been missing for quite a few years – cheerleaders!  These sweet girls and their awesome leaders are doing a fabulous job! I am so proud of them and all the hard work that they have clearly put in, and they should be proud too.  Their presence really makes a difference in the atmosphere of a game.  They have been a delightful addition to the football experience at Lakeview. Wow! Talk about a half-time performance!

But isn’t that true about most things in life?  A ho-hum experience can turn into a great thing with the right kind of support and enthusiasm.  I think back to all the students I have taught in 21 years and I have seen many sparks ignited simply because I or another teacher believed in a student.  An average student with a passion can change the world.  One of my favorite sayings is “It isn’t aptitude, but attitude, that determines your altitude.”

How much more could we all accomplish if we had our own little cheering section?  In an earlier blog, I shared about how my personal cheerleaders really boosted my spirits when completing the triathlon.  I recently heard a story about how a peanut butter sandwich boosted a friend who completed the Breast Cancer 3-day (all 60 miles of it).  I know that Sawyer worked a little harder when the “cheerleading” posters arrived for his Mayo hospital room from Auntie Ellen’s class in North Dakota.

Apparently advertisers know this little secret too because there is a sweet commercial right now about a gal in a bike competition and her husband who does all this cheering along the way.  He cheers, he makes signs out of boxes, and then he is waiting at the finish line with a pizza box with a love note written in it. We all KNOW a little positive encouragement works.  But how often do we make time to do it?

An opportunity to encourage all kinds of people is coming up in 8 days.  As a Reed’s Run committee, we are looking for lots of people to help us out.  This request doesn’t require any special training nor does it have a long time commitment.  We need pockets of people along the race route to cheer people on. Families, clubs, organizations, church groups, heck – knitting groups and book clubs are perfect.  We simply need you to show up and cheer on the runners when they come running by.

Maybe running or walking a 5k isn’t for everybody.  But all of us have the ability to spread some encouragement.  I won’t be donning my old uniform nor digging out my pompoms, but I WILL be there close to the finish line cheering every single runner on!

If you know the history of Reed’s Run, this is one opportunity that we all have to be like Reed and encourage others. And what better place than his run.  His motivation was because he was filled with spirit (the Holy Spirit).  So, we can all confidently say, “We’ve got Spirit! Yes, we do!”